I am exhausted. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
Kailee, Devin & Hailey
Waiting for their story at bedtime.
First off, I’m physically exhausted because I went to the midnight showing of Watchmen last night which was an absolutely awesome movie! Totally worth it to get less than three hours of sleep because I had to get up with Kristina’s kids which I’m watching this weekend. Matt’s kids are here as well, which makes it super exhausting. Beyond exhausting as I just cannot always handle 4 kids under the age of 4, it’s too much. By noon I was craving adult conversation, and let’s face it, Matt doesn’t count. (Usually because he’s too focused on legal stuff, so he doesn’t really count for conversation at all most of the time.) It can be fun playing Mommy, but it can also be WAY too much. I was happy to read them a story and put them to bed tonight.
Otherwise, I’m emotionally exhausted because I just don’t get why it all has to happen at once when it isn’t wanted. I came to the conclusion tonight that I choose to have messed up relationship issues. Matthew told me that I was like a cat – If you love me and want to come up and pet me I run from you, but if you’re unavailable and don’t want me at the time… Well then I go chasing you and try to climb into your lap and beg for loving. It’s so messed up, and it’s so damned true! So how does this apply to real life? Let me break it down…
I have this awesome guy who is madly in love with me, who is probably perfect for me in so many ways, who is coming home from the military in two weeks and is all psyched to be with me. How do I feel? I’m freaking out. The line from Dr. Horrible keeps going through my head “With my freeze ray I will stop, the pain…” All I can think is how I wish I had a freeze ray to stop time because I feel it’s going too fast… Mr. Awesome? Don’t know if I want him. Why? Maybe because I just don’t know him enough to be in love with him yet… OR just maybe it’s because he’s emotionally & physically available and he wants me back!!! WTF mate?
So ask me what I’m going to do, hell if I know… Maybe go chasing after the one guy who doesn’t want me to chase after him? The one guy who doesn’t want me! Yay! Let’s go fall in love with that one! Better yet, let’s make him the one that doesn’t like intimacy and is probably a raging homosexual. Yes, you can see the real him, and you honest-to-god love the real him because he’s super amazing, but he DOESN’T WANT YOU!!! That will be fun… He can reject me, I can let myself be heartbroken for a day (because I always bounce-back super quick), and then go back to having a good reason for being single… Uh oh, I think we may have just found the root of the problem here Doctor!
Maybe I’m not built for real relationships… Do you think that could be the case? I’ve had one serious long-term relationship before, and we all saw how that went. Granted, it was my first relationship at all, and it was my first heartbreak when it ended a 2 years later, but that was 2006… But come on, it’s 2009 now! And I’ve had 3 years filled with meaningless flings, short-term relationships and one night stands… Oh let’s not forget the poly amorous stint and also the FWBs along the way… But oh how much fun I’ve had with my FWBs. I’m not sure I really want to give that up just yet…
So is it my fear of failure? Or a fear of commitment? I’m deathly afraid of stagnancy, and even more afraid of becoming some caged little bird… I need a partner that is ever changing and growing with me, and who can be spontaneous and give me space to spread my wings when needed. Someone who understands that I’m a total freak who is positively giddy when they cut the guys arm off with a chainsaw in the movie, but who is also a lover and a nurturer who has an uncanny way with children and animals… That I’m the girl who’s drinking and dancing and flirting, and then the next day meditating on some rock in the forest all earthy and beautiful. The girl who secretly longs for the picket fence, but who also wishes that picket fence had wheels so she could keep moving, and that if it’s posted into the ground… Well she worries that one day she’ll get bored and tear it down…
Wow… I just re-read this and I sound like a total psych case… I mean really… It’s probably just because it’s tonight, and I feel a little emotionally unstable, so I’m just writing and pouring out thoughts as they come… Please take everything I just said with a grain of salt, because knowing me… I may feel entirely differently tomorrow… Also, a lot of it is complete exaggeration! LOL, because it was just fun to tear into my issues for a moment… lol
