As of late, it’s been a daily ritual to stop and say a prayer. The goal being sending it into the Universe in hopes of manifesting a better outcome than the world has been offering. I stop. Look up to the sky and whisper my desire solemnly, asking whatever God is out there to influence the will of the heavens, maybe swaying it in my favor.
This weekend, I got what I’ve been asking for.
I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.
My manifestation wasn’t for myself. I have not been asking for more money, better looks, or for someone to fall in love with me. These wishes have not been for myself for a while. It’s too exhausting to keep hoping for something that never comes, and even more exhausting are the times when it appears to happen and then I am left yet again disappointed.
These requests have been for one of the most important people in my life. For one of the best friends life has ever given me; for a person I will never stop loving as long as I live.
It was his turn to get lost in the moment, that giddy up-rush of laying in someone’s arms for the first time and contemplating the vast expansion of possibilities that lay before new lovers. Too many years of thinking it would never happen, and then just the one right person to come along and change all that around. The right person who can’t wait longer than an hour after you part to text you and tell you they miss you and can’t wait to see you again. His turn.
I’m so happy for him, more than I can ever possibly express in writing or even in vocalizing. He deserves this more than anyone I’ve ever known, including myself.
However, there’s this part of me that is deathly afraid of losing my friend. The happiness overwrites this automatically, because I know without a doubt that this is right and will be a extremely wonderful thing for him. Even in the knowing and the not doubting, I still wonder what this means for us. How selfish are these thoughts? Is it caused by the fact that I fell in love with him once and will never truly get over that? Could this be something every friend feels when someone they’ve been close to finds someone to be even closer to?
I don’t know if this is a normal feeling, or something else. I feel horribly guilty and selfish for feeling like this; I wish this feeling would leave me.
There is no luck in my dating life. Am I doomed to only date liars and losers? To never have that love and family I so desire? I miss that rush that comes with falling in love, but I will no longer sacrifice the “long run” for that thrill. No matter how much I desire to fall into someone’s arms and write their name in hearts on my notebooks (metaphorically, I’m an adult now after all) it isn’t worth it if three months later I find out they’re seeing someone (or many someones) behind my back, or that they only wanted a cheap fling, or that they don’t want to settle down and have a partner for life. I want to start out knowing that I can have both the electric charge of new love, and the possible stability of a lifetime full of partnership.
Can I have both?
Wow, this blog sounds like a lot of whining and self-pity… I want to clarify just so everyone knows that I would not change anything about what he’s getting, I’ve wanted to see him happy and in a healthy relationship more than I could even bear. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head and down in writing. There isn’t anyone to speak them to any longer, he was my confidant and most of my friends are coupled up, married, or not close enough to have these kind of conversations with.