In a week everything changes. Not just little changes like you expect day to day, but big changes-bigger changes than I’ve had to experience in a while. It’s the end of something. The end of something that has been wonderful, but even wonderful things must come to an end. Everything changes, whether it’s change you consciously make or change that is just thrown at you out of the blue.
Change is Hard
I have a love/hate relationship with change. There is a need inside of me for things to change, but if that change isn’t of my own doing it really freaks me out. But we’re all a little bit afraid of change, and luckily the majority of this change has been something I’ve had a lot of time to plan for.
I Can’t Stop This Change
My roommate told me he wanted to move years ago, and every Summer I spent a lot of time stressing about whether it was the last one or not. So, when he applied and was accepted to grad school in Canada this year it wasn’t a huge surprise-in fact, it was almost a relief to know there was an actual date in the future to look out for and to plan on.
Change in Action
So this Summer has been a whirlwind of activity. Watching the roommate plan for the future and make big changes in his life to chase his dreams has been both inspiring and terrifying. I know he’s nervous about this change too. He’s moving to a new city far away where he doesn’t know anyone. He quit his teaching job to be a starving student living off of Ramen again-but when he thinks about how much he’s going to miss all of us back here he breaks down a little. But he was strong enough to realize that he hated his teaching job (loved teaching but hated the bureaucracy) and living here wasn’t working for him. It was too stifling for him here-he couldn’t be himself. He was brave enough to make a change in spite of it being scary as hell.
I’m Proud of Him, I Am
While I’m infinitely proud of him and inspired by him, the realization that this means change for me as well is both exciting and frightening. So much of my life is going to be altered by something that sounds so simple as your roommate moving out-but it’s not. He’s my best friend.
I’m Really Going to Miss Him
Who’s going to randomly go get onion rings with me when I had a bad day at work and feel like cheating?
Who’s going to wander IKEA with me and dream of tiny spaces filled with cute Swedish furniture?
Who’s going to stay up way past our bedtimes talking about philosophical things? Or watching stupid shows?
Who’s going to randomly cook fried rice or some other random craving with me?
Who’s going to tell me everything will be alright as I fall apart after a breakup?
He’s Been My Everything Friend
He’s kind of been the person that is there for everything for me for the last 5 years. The majority of my time spent with people has been with him. He’s been my roommate, best friend, and family throughout both amazing and rough times, and we have been so close. Knowing that he wont be around… Well, that’s hard. I am far more happy and excited for him than I am sad. I want him to go out and be happy and find everything he’s looking for and I know with every bit of myself this is what needs to happen-I’m just going to miss him a lot. While we’ll always be friends (I’ve no doubt of it) it will never be the same again. Things never are.
Who Will I Be Without Him?
He told me the other day that he’s worried that when he leaves I will hermit away, and he doesn’t want me to be lonely. I will… For a while. Every end comes with a grieving period, and after a while I’ll stop grieving, realize I’m lonely, and go out again. I’m lucky that there will be so much to do so quickly after that I wont have too much time to be mopey. School starts two days after he leaves and I’m taking 10 credit hours this semester on top of regular work, so I will be very very busy.
The Anxiety is Real
Don’t get me wrong, while there is a large amount of fear (when I stop to think about him actually going as it gets closer and closer I feel my anxiety rise up in my throat) there is a lot I’m excited for. I’ve never lived alone before. I’ve never had a space that was entirely mine to do with what I pleased. My bills are doubling, but I’m also getting an extra room for moving my craft stuff into-a place I can turn into a creative outlet and hopefully be more productive in. I’m excited to see what kind of person I am when I fully stand on my own two feet with no one but myself to rely on. Such an exciting new adventure!
I Can Do This
I can do this-I just have to remember to breathe. There are moments I have to completely stop and just remind myself that I am strong and independent, and that new adventures are exciting and full of goodness.