When I was in my early twenties I bounced back from things quickly. Heartbreak? Yeah it hurt, but it didn’t take long for me to feel again-or at least to try again. Friends used to compliment me on my ability to try again with everything I had-no matter how disastrous the failure had been before, and I loved that about myself. I chalked it up as one of my prevailing qualities-and I prided myself in it.
As I’ve gotten older I seem to have lost this quality. I don’t bounce back and I cannot even bring myself to try again. Going on dates? It feels like torture. I never like them, and it’s starting to feel like it’ll be impossible to ever like someone as much as I’ve liked someone in the past. I’m starting to feel like it’ll be impossible to love anyone ever again.One part of my brain realizes that that is a ridiculous thought. Of course I’ll love someone again, but it feels impossible when your heart still belongs elsewhere and every guy you go out with seems completely not right for you. It feels even more difficult when those guys that you don’t feel attracted to are completely nice guys that are very interested in you and you end up having to let them down.
To be completely honest, the next time I’m feeling rejected can someone please remind me that I’d rather be rejected than have to do the rejecting? That feels really awful and feeling guilty on top of feeling discouraged makes things even more difficult.
I want to forget. I want to forget the heartache from the past, the guilt from the present, and the apprehension of the future. I just want to forget it and move forward with home again. I want to bounce back, but first I have to forget.
