Well… I know you’re going to say that was fast, and it was, I know… But Yoshi and I put things on ice again.
It just wasn’t good. I mean there’s potential for goodness there-we get along great, we have amazing chemistry, and when we’re together in person it’s fantastic. It’s when we’re apart and we get in our own heads about it, or it starts feeling like pressure that it goes bad. It’s when we have to discuss that badness over and over again to figure out where we stand that it gets bad. It shouldn’t be bad like that.
But neither of us wanted to walk away. We both like each other a great deal and we both see the potential for something great there-but it’s not the right time. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it’s for real. The entire reason we decided to wait a little while ago was because he wasn’t ready. He has some things in his life he needs to clear up and we agreed then to wait until he could clear them up before we try this again. We both wanted it to be good.
But then we missed each other, and we rushed back into it thinking the things were about to clear up-but they didn’t. This caused massive amounts of anxiety on his end, which in turn stressed me out as I worried about him and everything, which prompted me to push a little to hard and we ended up in a big fight.
I spent the entire weekend following our fight in the pits of depression. I didn’t even want to eat, and I’m the person who eats her feelings-all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and try to sleep during the day because I’d wake up at night stressing over it-so it was the most unproductive weekend. But it gave me time to think. As I turned the situation over and over in my head I just came back ot the same thing over and over again.
He’s not ready. But I didn’t want to walk away from it entirely.
So after the weekend I brought it up with him. He felt the same, he wasn’t ready-and he felt that being ready wasn’t going to happen on a timeline I was comfortable with, but he cares about me so he wanted to try-but trying was stressing us both out.
So we put it on ice. We put it back on hold-but this time I’m not waiting around. He’ll work on fixing his things, and I need to focus on other things like my home, school, and getting in shape. You know, all the things I was supposed to be focusing on anyway-but man do I get hung up on boys. Since we don’t want to sever our connection entirely, we’re going to hang out as friends and do some casual dating. Nothing serious. No pressure. Just fun dinner, talking, and spending time together outside the worry of a relationship. (This was my idea, but he agreed with it.) You can’t imagine how much of a relief the rest of the week has been since we’re no longer putting pressure on each other… We’re just getting to know each other in a friendly way.
And me? Well I’m not waiting, but I’m not actively seeking out a relationship with anyone else either. The door is open for him to walk back through, but that also means it’s open for someone else to walk through if the Universe brings them into my life in a natural way and it’s meant to be.
This time, I can’t cross the lines I’ve drawn. I’m so bad at that. I set up boundaries and then I get second-guessing them and end up ignoring them. There was a reason those boundaries/lines were set, and I need to remember that going forward.