Sometimes I think it would be easier to not care as much. If I could just move on with my life and not have any desire to wait around for someone in particular, it could be easier… Maybe? I don’t know. Dating sucks anyway, whether you’re waiting for someone specific or anyone in general, so maybe not…
At this point in time I’m fine waiting for Yoshi. I mean, I miss him quite a bit and spend a lot of time wishing he was around in person, but the span of time I’ve set to wait is not the problem. That time is going to fly by, and then I’ll find myself at a point where I find out whether we’re going to try for real or not. The part that I’m having the hardest time with is that I’m terrified that when those three months roll around, if we don’t work out, how am I going to stop wanting him? All this time I’m wanting him so badly, and dealing with the fact that I can’t have him for now-what happens if it’s no longer just “for now” and I have to get the hell over it?
Sometimes the idea of us ending up together after all of this does feel like it would be a total miracle, and then my pessimist side kicks in and I don’t believe in miracles-and I feel discouraged. Logically I know that I’d eventually get over it, I have in the past, but emotionally I know it’ll hurt quite a bit if it comes down to that. My optimist side somehow manages to hang on enough that I have significant hope of us having a future once events have happened and things are cleaned up a bit. We just get on so well. We’re super compatible when we’re together-and I’m terrified of losing that.
Unfortunately it’s those thoughts that seem to wrap their grubby fingers around every bit of insecurity in me. I told Yoshi that I’m terrified that three months is too long and that we’ll just fizzle out and die, or that he’ll forget how much he wants me during that time. He’s reassured me more than once that he could never forget because he knows he’ll never find someone even 1/4th as good as me-which is sweet, but I get to distrusting that feeling.
I don’t distrust him. With our all honestly all the time policy I have learned to trust what he says to me; I just fear that it’ll change. That’s the part that makes me feel like a pit has opened up in my stomach and sucked my heart down into it. What if I keep waiting and wanting and he stops? It’s just insecurity. He’s assured me that he wants me just as badly and can’t imagine not wanting me like this, and honestly if he did I would be okay-I would move on like I do, but still. Wanting this much hurts. It’s a risky move.
Some people are worth the risk though, and I can’t stop myself from putting myself out on this limb with every hope that Yoshi is one of those people. So far he’s different than anyone else I’ve dated just for the sheer fact that he wont sleep with me unless we can have all of each other and actually be together. Most guys would have dropped any care about a relationship and gone for all physical, and he refuses even when I’m the one bringing that up. That’s a pretty good indicator that he’s not like all the other guys, and maybe-just maybe-this whole thing will be worth all of this waiting and wanting.
And for now? Well, for now I’ll keep reminding him why I’m awesome. I’ll do my best to remind him why being together in the long run is worth the wait, and I’ll do my best to not let either of us walk away without giving this a chance-just in case.
This week’s song:
I Wont Let You Walk Away
by Mako & Madison Beer
I know I wont stop if you give me the keys
Because I could drive it like I’m a criminal
I wont watch if you want me to leave
‘Cause I keep looking back for a miracle
I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away
Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please don’t give it too long ’cause baby I’ve got this
Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please ’cause I wont let you walk away
I’ve got my windows down getting lost in the breeze
And I feel like I’m caught in a fairytale
I can’t stop wanting you next to me
‘Cause I keep holding out for a miracle
I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away
I wont let you walk away
Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away
I wont let you walk away
Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away
Like this song? Buy it here:
>> Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
>> Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.
>> Link up in the month-long linky below.
>> Visit other participants and show support.
