I Can’t Stop Wanting You Next to Me

August 31, 2015 by Angie 21 Comments

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Sometimes I think it would be easier to not care as much. If I could just move on with my life and not have any desire to wait around for someone in particular, it could be easier… Maybe? I don’t know. Dating sucks anyway, whether you’re waiting for someone specific or anyone in general, so maybe not…

At this point in time I’m fine waiting for Yoshi. I mean, I miss him quite a bit and spend a lot of time wishing he was around in person, but the span of time I’ve set to wait is not the problem. That time is going to fly by, and then I’ll find myself at a point where I find out whether we’re going to try for real or not. The part that I’m having the hardest time with is that I’m terrified that when those three months roll around, if we don’t work out, how am I going to stop wanting him? All this time I’m wanting him so badly, and dealing with the fact that I can’t have him for now-what happens if it’s no longer just “for now” and I have to get the hell over it?

Sometimes the idea of us ending up together after all of this does feel like it would be a total miracle, and then my pessimist side kicks in and I don’t believe in miracles-and I feel discouraged. Logically I know that I’d eventually get over it, I have in the past, but emotionally I know it’ll hurt quite a bit if it comes down to that. My optimist side somehow manages to hang on enough that I have significant hope of us having a future once events have happened and things are cleaned up a bit. We just get on so well. We’re super compatible when we’re together-and I’m terrified of losing that.

Unfortunately it’s those thoughts that seem to wrap their grubby fingers around every bit of insecurity in me. I told Yoshi that I’m terrified that three months is too long and that we’ll just fizzle out and die, or that he’ll forget how much he wants me during that time. He’s reassured me more than once that he could never forget because he knows he’ll never find someone even 1/4th as good as me-which is sweet, but I get to distrusting that feeling.

I don’t distrust him. With our all honestly all the time policy I have learned to trust what he says to me; I just fear that it’ll change. That’s the part that makes me feel like a pit has opened up in my stomach and sucked my heart down into it. What if I keep waiting and wanting and he stops? It’s just insecurity. He’s assured me that he wants me just as badly and can’t imagine not wanting me like this, and honestly if he did I would be okay-I would move on like I do, but still. Wanting this much hurts. It’s a risky move.

Some people are worth the risk though, and I can’t stop myself from putting myself out on this limb with every hope that Yoshi is one of those people. So far he’s different than anyone else I’ve dated just for the sheer fact that he wont sleep with me unless we can have all of each other and actually be together. Most guys would have dropped any care about a relationship and gone for all physical, and he refuses even when I’m the one bringing that up. That’s a pretty good indicator that he’s not like all the other guys, and maybe-just maybe-this whole thing will be worth all of this waiting and wanting.

And for now? Well, for now I’ll keep reminding him why I’m awesome. I’ll do my best to remind him why being together in the long run is worth the wait, and I’ll do my best to not let either of us walk away without giving this a chance-just in case.

This week’s song:
I Wont Let You Walk Away
by Mako & Madison Beer

I know I wont stop if you give me the keys
Because I could drive it like I’m a criminal
I wont watch if you want me to leave
‘Cause I keep looking back for a miracle

I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away

Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please don’t give it too long ’cause baby I’ve got this
Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please ’cause I wont let you walk away

I’ve got my windows down getting lost in the breeze
And I feel like I’m caught in a fairytale
I can’t stop wanting you next to me
‘Cause I keep holding out for a miracle

I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away

I wont let you walk away

Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away

I wont let you walk away

Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away

Like this song? Buy it here:

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Angie

Angie is a coffee-fueled writer, artist-wanna-be, and over-worker who currently resides in a tiny fixer-upper near Salt Lake City with her boyfriend and 70lb rescue pittie. She works full time in Customer Service/Computers, part-time in retail and fashion, goes to school part-time on and off, maintains this and another couple of blogs, as well as volunteers with rescue dogs. In her free time, what little of it there is, she likes to read, play nerd games, craft and create art, and spend time with all of the awesome people in her life.

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

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About Angie

Emilie Burke

I totally forgot about this song! I love how you’ve used music to share your feelings.
- Miss Angie
  
  Thank you love! I think music is a powerful reminder of how we’re feeling-it’s kind of what I always wanted Musical Mondays to be, sharing a song that means something and explaining why.
Aubrey S.

I can completely understand your fears in this situation, but you have to worry about feelings changing whether you’re together or not. Couples grow apart all the time. I think it comes down to choosing to be there and choosing to love and choosing to grow together.
- Miss Angie
  
  You have a very valid point, honestly. Logically I do know that, but I get insecure and my emotions don’t listen to logic all the time. haha
  
  I’m doing really well at the moment-starting to feel slightly apathetic (which is a double-edged sword) to the whole thing.
Karen M Peterson

I’m hoping things work out between the two of you, but if not, I KNOW you’ll be okay.That doesn’t mean it will be easy, but you’ll come out of this okay.
- Miss Angie
  
  Thank you! Either way, it’ll work out like it’s supposed to. I’m a firm believer in the universe not being entirely random.
  - Karen M Peterson
    
    I’m right there with you on that!
Beth

I think this is just ambiguous anxiety looking for a home. If it works out, it’s worth the wait- you’re an intelligent woman and you wouldn’t put your love life on hold for just any guy. And if it doesn’t work out, 3 months is a very short time to wait for someone to get their ducks in a row- have you actually wasted or lost anything? So the trick is to stay focused on the current: your house, your dog, your crafts, your blog, your school, your work, your friends, your photography….girl, you don’t even have the time for an S.O. right now! 😛
- Beth
  
  (also, emotions are fluid: apathy now doesn’t mean apathy forever, fear now doesn’t mean negativity forever, love now doesn’t mean love forever….gotta accept that it’s all water and fire, ever-changing. Breathe with it, and try to let it go. It’s tough, but I think it really helps to stay aware of the transitory aspects.)
  - Miss Angie
    
    It’s true. Today I’m feeling super over it-apathy apathy. But when I told shawn “I’m like 80% over it right now” he was like “right now?” and I was like “oh yeah, that’ll change. You know me.” hahaha Plus, even if I did get entirely over it, and then he came around and was like “I want you” I’d probably give it a try and get back into it really quick, so the apathy just helps for now. lol
- Miss Angie
  
  Oh man, I don’t have time for like half the things you listed lol.
Nina B

I went back and tried to catch up on the whole story…You are incredibly honest and authentic and I think that is awesome. Because that means, if you can be real with strangers, you are real with yourself. (by the way, that is not advice at all! i have no idea what to tell you! waiting sucks! daitng sucks! haha)
- Miss Angie
  
  Aw, thank you! You are so sweet! I never really thought about it like that, but I suppose you’re totally right. I just feel like I need to speak my truth, and not only to everyone else, but also to myself.
Ashley Servis

I agree with Nina! Waiting and dating does suck.
- Miss Angie
  
  It so does. I agree with you both.
Dia

“Well, for now I’ll keep reminding him why I’m awesome” sounds like something I’d say. I honestly believe that if you feel a connection like never before dive right in. If it doesn’t work out it will hurt like hell but it at least you won’t have questions later in life…. I just had my heart broken because of timing. It’s a long complicated story and I hope to share it as authentically as you have shared yours one day but I don’t regret loving him because being loved by him changed my life and I can still count on him. I do hope in m heart we make it work when the time is right but I’m glad I at least tried.

Good luck
- Miss Angie
  
  Aw, thank you. Also I agree, at least you try. If you don’t dive in and try you live with regrets, and regrets suck. Seriously.
Chrissa – Physical Kitchness

Relationships can be so hard. And such a risk. But you ARE awesome. And positive self worth is the best kind of relationship there is!
- Miss Angie
  
  They are so hard, and risky-but if they work out they can be great. And you are awesome too, thank you!
Denay DeGuzman

Angie, you are such a smart and accomplished girlie. You have so much to offer a potential mate. I have two daughters (age 21 and 23) and several nieces in their 20s. What I advise is never to waste your youth waiting around for a guy unless he puts a ring on it (like a promise ring or another big sign of commitment). You are only young once, and the pool of fish starts getting smaller and smaller very quickly! All the good ones get snapped up fast, and the remaining ones have baggage (emotional issues, a child, commitment issues, immaturity, etc.). Do not wait around! Keep an open mind about other dating options. And if/when Yoshi returns in three months, and if you are still free at the time, then you can see if things work out. And always remember that when looking for a mate, self-confidence is a very important trait. I’d advise to stop reminding him about how insecure you are about the relationship. This can definitely come off as looking desperate and give him the impression you don’t have other dating or mate options so you’re putting all your dating eggs in his egg basket. Your worth should be very evident to him AND everyone you meet. You are absolutely INCREDIBLE!!! You are a beautiful, smart young lady who has her act together! It takes a lot to buy your own home, work, go to school and start a blogging business. You rock. 🙂
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