If We Still Exist I Can Let Go of My Fear

Some of you may remember how I drew a line with Yoshi recently and we had a big talk where we discussed how he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and I couldn’t wait around for it.  Those lines are hard not to cross when you’re around someone often enough and you can’t stop feeling what you’re feeling.  Neither one of us wants to let go of the other… It’s kind of terrible that for once I have feelings for someone who actually feels them back for me, but then timing sucks.

So naturally, I thought I’d cross that line a little… Maybe just a toe?  It doesn’t hurt if I just put a toe over, right? I messaged him to ask him if we should consider extending our friendship… Not just friends, but friends with benefits.  I mean, if we’re not in a relationship it doesn’t hurt in the meantime does it? I know I can’t do meaningless sex, it would never be meaningless between us, but just because there is something more there doesn’t mean we have to be in a relationship.

Well, Yoshi may be a bit wiser than me.  I was willing to lie to myself about my ability to maintain a relationship like that (even though I’ve learned time and time again that I can’t) just because I wanted to remain close to him for a while.  Yet he kept putting me off, and then I finally asked him about it and he just told me that he knew he couldn’t do it.  He felt too much for me to be able to separate those feelings, even if it was just for a short while before we were ready to be something more to each other.

This meant we had another big talk.  He has set a time limit on when things need to be worked out by in his life, and it’s “three months max”, meaning it could be as early as two weeks, but it could be as late as three months.  We talked again about how I couldn’t wait around for that, and he said he wished we weren’t having this conversation because he cared too much for it just be over-though he understood that he couldn’t expect me to just wait around.

So I’m not waiting… Not entirely… Okay, part of me is waiting.  Knowing my track record, it’s unlikely I’ll have a boyfriend in three months and I’m in no mood to actively go out and try to date.  Not with everything I have going on with the house and work, and especially not since I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that he and I can come back together and really give it a go.  He’s a great guy, and the reason we’re apart now is because he’s trying to be respectful of me and other people in his life.  It’s kind of amazing to be so well respected, even though I’ve given him every opportunity to cross that line with me.  He won’t.

I love it and hate it.  I’m filled with so much fear that three months will be too much time, that all this stuff between us will fizzle out and die if we don’t cultivate it… But he’s one hundred percent right that we can’t just try to be something we’re not in the meantime, it’s not something we’re capable of and to be honest, if we had done that and then things hadn’t worked out properly, it would have probably destroyed any chance of having something real or of being friends after everything is all said and done.

I know I’ve shared this song before, but it is suddenly something that relates more heavily to my life.  The time is wrong, but the person could be right-and here’s hoping that when we’re able to come back together we still exist and can let go of our fears and really experience it. I hope so with everything in me.

This week’s song:
Habits
by Maria Mena
Featuring Mads Langer

I am a creature of habit, and I move in circles ’round you
I will admit there’s a pattern, one I’ve created myself
None of my lovers dared leave me
I grew impatient and stale
Didn’t look back once I’d left them, ‘cuz I always expected to fail

But this time it’s different, the rules don’t apply
But I need some distance to step out of line

So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year
If we still exist I can let go of my fear
Fear of normalcy, fear of the solid walls of of our future
And let go of my past

I must be crazy to want this, ’cause you are the girl of my dreams
But I’m prone to ruin the good things, cautious around balance it seems

With you it is different, the rules don’t apply
But I need some distance to step out of line

So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year
If we still exist I can let go of my fear
Fear of normalcy, fear of the solid walls of of our future
And let go of my past

So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year
If we still exist I can let go of my fear
Fear of normalcy, fear of the solid walls of of our future
And let go of my past

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