A little piece of advice for all of you today… Sometimes, life is going to throw things at you whether you’re ready or not, and you are going to have to make a decision one way or another on how to react. Then sometimes, those decisions will lead to either having it all or to missing out on something amazing that you’ll never get the chance at again. Once it’s gone it’s gone… Will you risk it and leap at the chance? Or will you decide to stay in your comfort zone and possibly miss out on what could be the best thing to happen to you?
But sometimes, you’re going to be that curve ball for someone else, and you’re going to have to make the decision whether or not you’re worth it to yourself to let them take their dear sweet time deciding whether or not you’re “worth” taking a chance on. You have to decide if you can wait around for them to decide what they’re going to do… And you have to decide how long you’re going to wait around.
I’ve held off on telling too much of the reason that Yoshi and I had such bad timing, because it’s mostly his business. I will just say for the purpose of this post that it’s due to a living situation and how he wants to get it resolved before being with me, because he doesn’t want any complication standing in the way. His current living situation is a complication, and previously he’d told me he’d get it resolved in three months max. Setting a time line was good, right?
What was even better is that he actually ended up putting in an offer on a house. You may recall that Yoshi and I started bonding originally over the fact that we were both trying to buy a house, and we bonded over house hunting being as awful as dating. When he told me he’d actually put in an offer on a house, I got really excited. He put in his notice on his apartment and this should surely resolve his living situation quicker. Good, right?
I thought so. Until he said it might not actually resolve the situation. He was contemplating taking the contemplation with him to the new house for a little bit-just because he felt bad that it wasn’t the three months he originally set. This was the point that I started to feel like it was just never going to get resolved. The whole first two paragraphs of this blog post are based off of this whole speech I wanted to give him about taking chances or missing out on things. Those things being me, because I’m a great catch and he’ll never find someone just like me-and trust me he’s getting closer and closer to missing out on me.
I’m just tired of waiting around to find out if I’m “worthy” of taking the risk or not. The situation is exhausting, and I’m starting to feel like a second option-I’m starting to feel like if he really cared about me he’d actually change the situation instead of worrying about all the new ways it might not be resolved. It’s a cycle that I need out of at the moment, and I broke down and told him this-and then I battled crying at my desk for most of the rest of the day because I don’t want it to be over.
I still want him. I still want to give us a chance. But I can’t handle the waiting-it’s not doing me any favors. So how do I stop myself from waiting around because of all the hope I have in me? I don’t know… But it starts with saying “I’m not waiting.” I did tell him he should still let me know if things get resolved, but that I have to go forward and live my life as if it isn’t going to-because the closer and closer it gets, the more it looks like that’s going to be the case-at least for a long time. I can’t keep letting myself hurt over this…
I may still want him, but don’t you ever doubt it, when I learn to live without it I’ll be gone…
This week’s Musical Mondays song:
Second Option
by Caitlin Cary & Thad Cockrell
I don’t wanna be your second option
I don’t wanna be your after thought
I don’t wanna know the plans you make
If they’re not with me then call them off, call them off
I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone
I don’t wanna know where you’ll be going
I don’t wanna see the clothes you wear
I don’t wanna hear the fuss you make
If it’s not for me, then I don’t care, I don’t care
I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone, gone
The leaves on the trees are lonely
The stars wanna shine
If you don’t care, let go of me
Cruel to be kind, cruel to be kind
And I don’t wanna hang on your pretty hook
I don’t wanna wait another day
I’m the biggest fish in your shallow water
Always be the one that got away, got away
I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone, gone
And I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
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[…] not lend itself well to the smaller cycle I’m stuck in when it comes to Yoshi. One minute I’m feeling strong and ready to move on and meet someone else, and then the next minute we get to talking and I get my […]
I want so badly to be that person that tells you to be patient, to wait, to give him a chance… but my many years of dating, and my experience in men with “complications” just won’t let me. I want to be that friend with all the positive vibes in the world who tells you to go for it…to do you and suggest that it sounds like he’s just being a nice guy. But I can’t.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to not come second to someone. This situation… this is you coming second to someone. I get the gist of what’s going on. Been there. Done that. More than once in fact since I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Moving this complication out of guilt means he still cares about that complication. While that isn’t a bad thing, it also suggests (to me anyways) that he cares more about that complication’s feelings than your own.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you are making the decision to take care of yourself and worry about you first and foremost. I’m really proud of you.
You deserve better than a man who’s not falling over himself trying to get to be a bigger part of your life.
Thank you. 🙂
A year ago on 9/5 I posted this saying. That night I meant Mr. Coffee. Someone who from day one put me first and from day one I had no doubt in my mind where I stood in his priorities. My wish is that one day, everyone finds someone who they stop to look at soon after meeting them and then they go “omg this is what love is supposed to be like. wtffffffffff was I doing before?!?”.
Its out there. Maybe it is with Yoshi. My best friend is dating someone who’s complication was still living with him. I think it took about a year for that complication to be fully gone. They’re good now, but i know how much stress and strain and worry that whole thing put her through and I applaud you for standing up for yourself. And actually they just took a 2 month break recently because she was tired of all the stress and needed to ‘restart’. So yea, don’t do that to yourself.
(Funny story though, our other best friend runs a storage unit location. The complication came to her to rent a unit and WITHOUT them both knowing they were talking about it and bff#2 was all like “whoa so weird, whats the new girl like” and the complication was like “well she’s wayyyy younger and not really that skinny”. BFF#2 was like OMG. Then we have a girls weekend and we all figure out that THAT WAS THE COMPLICATION AND so now when she comes into bff#2’s work, bff#2 barely says a word to her. And for the record, bff#1 isn’t a big girl at all, but the complication is like a size zero, petite woman, who runs marathons. So. basically everyone is bigger than she is. So that was pretty unfair.)
Okay. End comment longer than a blog post.
THIS. I had that exact reaction. I’ve been in love roughly a billion times before I met Fedora. And then (coincidentally, when I had sworn off dating and men and flirting and everything because I was just *done with it*) I met Fedora. And his entire attitude was “we’ll find a way to make it work”. When someone that makes you happy puts as much energy into the relationship as you do, it’s amazing. And in perspective now….I’ve never loved anyone, or been loved by anyone, the way Fedora and I are in love.
This makes me smile 🙂 Love it!
It makes me feel so good to see a woman who knows her worth!
Thanks 🙂
You gotta do you. I am so sorry it isn’t working out. I am glad thought that you see you can’t put your life on hold for him. You ARE worth it.
It’s true. And thank you!
That’s rough.
But, honestly, if he isn’t going to fight for you NOW, when is he ever going to?
Yeah… I have a friend who from the beginning has said “I just don’t see it changing all that much, complication or no. The complication is just an excuse.” As time goes on, I really do think he truly cares about me, and i do him, but he’s just not on the same level-and while I think he does honesty want to clear up the complication, I do think it’s a bit of an excuse.
I’m sure he does want to clear that up. But it doesn’t really matter what we WANT to do, only what we actually do. And if his actions aren’t matching his desires, how likely is that to change in the next couple of months? Especially if he’s got the perfect way out of the situation with this buying a house thing and he’s allowing the problem to persist instead.
Yeah, that’s kind of where I landed on how I felt about it too.
I’m sorry, friend. I KNOW it’s hard. And it isn’t fair. But tomorrow will be a better day.
Thanks love. It’s just really hard when what I “want” is not what I “need” and I don’t know how to reconcile that. Because I still want him.
I know. I haven’t been in this exact situation, obviously, but I definitely know how it feels to want someone that, for whatever reason, is unavailable. It’s so hard. But you just keep being your amazing self and it WILL pay off.
It sucks when what you know is right for you is also not fully what you want. Especially because there will always be that what-if lack of closure on it. Unless he gets his ass in gear and takes possession of his own life. But honestly, if he keeps putting this whole situation in front of his ability to be happy with you, AND his own basic taking charge of his life, then he’s not ready to adult on the level you are. As with all the other comments here….yeah, no matter what else is going on in his life, if you were a priority he’d take steps to make you a priority (and this whole 3 months thing wouldn’t have even happened because it’d have been resolved way before this). The fact that he can’t even see how he’s enabling…gah! I just wanna smack him upside the head.
Ha, yeah I feel you there! And it’s true about the adulting-it’s just not going to work right now because he’s not ready, whether the complication goes away or not.
Sad when such a great guy is SUCH an idiot. You are definitely worth taking a chance (and making a stand, and prioritizing) on.
I cannot stand feeling like I’m a backup plan. It’s the most frustrating thing to me. When I love, I love with my whole heart. In relationships and friendships. Feeling like I’m the plan just in case the other plan falls through is unacceptable. If someone doesn’t want to make you a priority, definitely don’t make them one. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes what he’ll miss, but if not? You’re worth more than being a placeholder.
Thank you! And I can’t either… I think that’s what finally dawned on me and forced me to move forward.