A few months ago I told my brother that breakups get easier the older you get and the more you go through. It’s not true. I like to convince myself that they get easier, but they don’t. Maybe they even get harder? Maybe it just depends on the situation. I’m not coping well with this one-my heart hurts infinitely more than I expected and I’m in a really low place.
I’ve lost faith that Yoshi is going to get his complication taken care of in any kind of reasonable time frame, so I’m giving up on us, but losing faith doesn’t seem to equal losing desire. I still want him so badly. When I think about him I ache for him, and then I ache because I can’t have him, and then I fall further into this well of depression over it.
It’s a strange situation because usually when you break up with someone you don’t see them again. You never have the chance to say “you hurt me and I feel like an idiot for hanging on so long…” but in this case I do. I’ve said those things. I’ve gotten responses to those things. It doesn’t make it any better. It still hurts.
Our conversations go something like this:
Me: I really miss you, and this is really hard on me but I need to let go.
Him: I really miss you too. I feel selfish because I want you to not let go all the way, I want us to have a chance in the future, but I also understand if you need to. I don’t want you to hang on forever and keep hurting.
Me: I’m trying to give up on you. It’s just difficult.
Him: I am so sorry for putting you through this.
Me: That’s ridiculous. Stop being sorry. You have the power to change all of this. If you’re sorry, or if I mattered enough, you’d fix the situation!
Him: It’s not about mattering enough, you do matter, it’s just not black and white.
Me: It is. If I mattered enough, or if you wanted me enough, you’d get your shit together.
Him: I’m trying. It’s just slower than you need, and I know I’m screwing this all up and it hurts.
Me: You are screwing it up. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.
Him: I miss you already. I think about you all the time, but I just keep messing it up and I can’t seem to stop and it kills me to think about it. I’m a huge idiot.
Me: You are a huge idiot. Just fix it! Sorry, I’ll stop bringing this up.
Him: Don’t be sorry, I really understand, I do-you only want what is best for me. You are the best for me, but I keep screwing it up. I’m so sorry.
And so it goes, round and round and round again… I know everything he’s saying is legitimate. It’s the way he thinks and the way he feels, and none of it is false-our all honesty policy has carried on well. It still doesn’t stop me from wanting to shout at him that he’s screwing all of this up-that he could have everything he ever wanted. But he knows that. It’s the strangest thing to know that he knows that he’s making the biggest mistake, yet he can’t seem to stop making the mistake? What. The. Hell?
Yet, all of this-watching him be self destructive and still not letting us have what we both want-and I still want him. It hasn’t stopped or eased at all. If he got his life in order tomorrow and texted me I’d be one hundred percent on board.
But I need to give up on it. I need to move forward without him, and acknowledging that is killing me a little.
This week’s song
Sad
by Maroon 5
Man it’s been a long day
Stuck thinking about it driving on the freeway
Wonderin’ if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, sad
Man it’s been a long night
Just sittin’ here trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, sad
So sad, so sad
Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
I’m so sad, so sad
