A few months ago I told my brother that breakups get easier the older you get and the more you go through. It’s not true. I like to convince myself that they get easier, but they don’t. Maybe they even get harder? Maybe it just depends on the situation. I’m not coping well with this one-my heart hurts infinitely more than I expected and I’m in a really low place.
I’ve lost faith that Yoshi is going to get his complication taken care of in any kind of reasonable time frame, so I’m giving up on us, but losing faith doesn’t seem to equal losing desire. I still want him so badly. When I think about him I ache for him, and then I ache because I can’t have him, and then I fall further into this well of depression over it.
It’s a strange situation because usually when you break up with someone you don’t see them again. You never have the chance to say “you hurt me and I feel like an idiot for hanging on so long…” but in this case I do. I’ve said those things. I’ve gotten responses to those things. It doesn’t make it any better. It still hurts.
Our conversations go something like this:
Me: I really miss you, and this is really hard on me but I need to let go.
Him: I really miss you too. I feel selfish because I want you to not let go all the way, I want us to have a chance in the future, but I also understand if you need to. I don’t want you to hang on forever and keep hurting.
Me: I’m trying to give up on you. It’s just difficult.
Him: I am so sorry for putting you through this.
Me: That’s ridiculous. Stop being sorry. You have the power to change all of this. If you’re sorry, or if I mattered enough, you’d fix the situation!
Him: It’s not about mattering enough, you do matter, it’s just not black and white.
Me: It is. If I mattered enough, or if you wanted me enough, you’d get your shit together.
Him: I’m trying. It’s just slower than you need, and I know I’m screwing this all up and it hurts.
Me: You are screwing it up. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.
Him: I miss you already. I think about you all the time, but I just keep messing it up and I can’t seem to stop and it kills me to think about it. I’m a huge idiot.
Me: You are a huge idiot. Just fix it! Sorry, I’ll stop bringing this up.
Him: Don’t be sorry, I really understand, I do-you only want what is best for me. You are the best for me, but I keep screwing it up. I’m so sorry.
And so it goes, round and round and round again… I know everything he’s saying is legitimate. It’s the way he thinks and the way he feels, and none of it is false-our all honesty policy has carried on well. It still doesn’t stop me from wanting to shout at him that he’s screwing all of this up-that he could have everything he ever wanted. But he knows that. It’s the strangest thing to know that he knows that he’s making the biggest mistake, yet he can’t seem to stop making the mistake? What. The. Hell?
Yet, all of this-watching him be self destructive and still not letting us have what we both want-and I still want him. It hasn’t stopped or eased at all. If he got his life in order tomorrow and texted me I’d be one hundred percent on board.
But I need to give up on it. I need to move forward without him, and acknowledging that is killing me a little.
This week’s song
Sad
by Maroon 5
Man it’s been a long day
Stuck thinking about it driving on the freeway
Wonderin’ if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, sad
Man it’s been a long night
Just sittin’ here trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, sad
So sad, so sad
Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
I’m so sad, so sad
Oh my dearest Angie. I know how much this hurts. I’ve been in your shoes in a sense… but I didn’t get jerked around for nearly as long as you have. So I can’t imagine how frustrated and hurt you are feeling at this stage. I know it isn’t much, but if it helps at all… I do believe you are doing the right thing by moving on. You are a strong, beautiful, independent woman and one day the right man will be so ready to take you on.
Jeremy and I like to joke about how we met online, even spoke to each other but I dropped the conversation. He was really forthcoming about the drama and complexities of his life and I wasn’t interested in someone else’s drama and problems – I had enough of my own. Instead, I dated someone who ended up having even worse going on. Jeremy and I both had a year to grow up, deal with our problems and change our situations before we happened on one another again purely on a whim. We’d both even forgotten that we’d ever chatted before!
The point is: Go out there and do you. Find all of the things in your life that you could improve on right now. Go out with friends. Take Bub to a doggie park and meet new doggy owners. Keep working on that adorable house! Somewhere out there, if not Yoshi, there is a man who is working on getting his shit together so he can be awesome for you!
Thanks love… Maybe we’ll find each other again, he and I, but maybe we wont… I’m not sure. It hurts, but I’ll survive-I always do.
I’m kind of – okay, really – upset with him. I feel like if he really wanted it to happen, he’d do the necessary. And sometimes it’s not that easy, but most of the time it is. Most of the time, all that’s holding things back from moving forward is that person being uncertain/unwilling. That’s his fault. He’ll miss out on something great. Does it still suck? Hell yes it does. I’m sorry.
Yeah… I’m frustrated, but doing my best to just let it go and move on. He says “It isn’t black and white” but it kind of is… Grow up. Man up. If you want me-come get me, don’t just say you want me and not act on it. 🙁
🙁
Hugs to you, my friend.
Thanks love!
I’m so sorry that this is happening, but I’m glad you’re not torturing yourself over this anymore. Moving on is the absolute best thing you could do. I know it’s so hard. But one day, you’ll look back on this time and you’ll understand it better.
Thanks love. I’m still torturing myself a little… We still talk, I still want him, and it seems almost harder than usual because I know he still wants me. Right person wrong time seems so much harder than just the wrong person…
I think that is really the hardest relationship situation to be in. Because you can’t force the timing to be right, no matter how much you want it to be. But I KNOW a time will come when you can look back on this and be grateful for what you learned through it. That day just isn’t today.
Very very true.
Aww girl 🙁 I’m so sorry. These things are never easy.
Thanks love, I’ll be okay in time, but it’s definitely hard at the get go.
🙁
I just emailed you! BIG hugs!!!
I love your face. I just replied.
*hugs* I wish I could help somehow. And I’m so sorry that you found a good man but he’s just passive and slow (which you are not). I will hunt down some silver linings for you (which doesn’t nullify pain, but might help?):
a) This is clear evidence that you are picking better potential romantic partners
b) This is clear evidence that you are knowing yourself and the world well enough to set boundaries and stand by them. Well done on adulting!
c) This is clear evidence that you do still have a compassionate, passionate heart, despite the fact that it’s been bruised in the past.
d) This is clear evidence that you’re a sought-after woman.
e) You are inspiring others to stand firm on their boundaries, needs, and sense of self-worth, and not to be women waiting in the wings.
f) This frees up your time for house stuff, Bub stuff, volunteer stuff, work stuff, class stuff, blog stuff, reading, candle-making, decorating, swapping, etc.
Those are some pretty good silver linings, thanks for pointing them out to me!
Now if only I could focus on those things instead of going home and laying on the couch not wanting to do anything. I’m in this weird depressive phase where i just want to watch the food network and lay there-sometimes drink wine, sometimes eat cheesecake, but otherwise just lay there until Bub makes me get up and take him out.
Maybe you’re just exhausted? Coping is difficult and takes energy (and good boy, Bub! Physical activity, like laughter and a cleansing cry, are great stress and depression fighters). I wonder if you’re just overloaded with obligations and that’s keeping you from being able to center on this? You know you’re strong enough to, so I’d guess it’s a physical drain affecting you. :/
I don’t know about this, as I have not broken up with anyone I have been with Tim for 32 years and we have been married 31 years today and I am still in love with him and the thought of not having him in my life saddens me and makes my heart ache so I don’t think about that happening ever, he is my life as are our children and grandchildren
That’s so lucky, I’m glad you have had such a great love life.
I’m truly sorry that you’re in this sadness and depression. I don’t know what you’re referring to as his “self-destructive behavior”, but, I do know that behavioral changes may be quite clear to the person looking in and even to the person doing them. At the same time, large and even small changes in behavior take time, effort, and desire. The biggest thing I’ve learned from two marriages and a few long-term relationships, is that I won’t allow anyone to not respect my boundaries. I let too many boundaries be broken and blown-right through. I’d rather be happy on my own than unhappy because I’ve even lost my own self-respect. Thank-you for this honest yet painful post.
Thank you for taking the time to read it and leave such thoughful comments. I heart you!
You’ve got some great support here. So sorry for your heartbreak. You take me down memory lane. Life can really be amazing though. Heartbreak should not be a given. Unexpected tragedies in life is one thing, but allowing someone to make you feel the way you express is really a disservice to yourself. Its very hard to see that in the midst of the rain, but when you find someone who works earnestly to give you shelter, then you’ve found a life worth living with. Life’s too short. Best wishes.
I am so lucky with my support! You guys rock my world. 🙂
I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain friend. 🙁
Thank you, I’ll be okay. 🙂 I’m already starting to be okay.
Oh honey. 🙁 One of these days, long after you’re healed and life is joyous again, someone will enter it that makes your sunshine brighter and your weekends longer. Someone who fits right into your life like those long-lost shoes you loved in high school, and who will make mistakes, but not on his own; he will make them right beside you. Together, you’ll press forward and together, you’ll heal from every wound.
You’re so amazing, and someone is walking around with their eyes open, just waiting to spot you in the crowd. <3
That was poetic and lovely, thank you! And you’re so sweet.
It’s just the truth <3
I learned the hard way that people don’t change. What you see is what you get. I’m so sorry for your pain, and it is real pain. You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong. You are beautiful and amazing, and you deserve the best.
It’s true, you can’t force anyone to change. Thank you love!