Falling is Difficult... Musical Mondays are Therapy.

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I’m over it. The words were out before there was time to think about whether or not they were true. Truthfully, I didn’t know if they were true, but I did know that I didn’t want to have the same conversation for the hundredth time. You know, the conversation that starts with him telling me how badly he wants me, but that it’s complicated, and ends with an acceptance of yes, you want me, but not bad enough to do anything about it.

The truth is, as soon as the words left me and my fingers hit the tiny green send button on the screen, a well of emotion swelled up inside of me, informing me that I was no where near over it. Somehow, I thought that just saying that I was over it would make it so-or at least allow us to avoid our default back and forth on why we both want each other but can’t be together right now. In all honesty, I have grown extremely weary of this discussion that seems to go around and around and around, yet always brings us back to square one. However, every time I try to avoid the conversation I come off as callous or cold.

I don’t feel callous or cold… I feel a whole world of emotion, most of it very heated, and none of these feelings leave me feeling detached from the situation in any way… I have no desire to hurt him with my words, and yet somehow I do. At these times, he’s always quick to point out that it’s on him, explaining that it’s his own fault we’re even in this situation, and that maybe he doesn’t have a right to feel sad about me moving on so quickly. I don’t know how he can feel like I’m moving on so quickly when I’ve been at this for nearly six months and I’m still trudging through the mud of deciding whether to hold on or to let go. I’m not stuck here, but I’m moving at a snails pace, or so it seems to me.

The truth is, he’s allowed to feel that way, and honestly I think I’d be kind of bummed if he was anything but sad about me moving on… He’s allowed to feel any damn way he feels. We’re all allowed to feel the ways we do, and we shouldn’t have to feel guilty for feeling it-whether that’s angry or sad-even if a situation is our fault. Just feel something… Anything… Feeling is an important part of this road we’re all on, whether we’re traveling together or alone.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes.

We’re all just trying our damnedest to get by in this great big world, a world that while filled with so much good, is also filled with scary and confusing things. That’s life. That’s being an adult. That’s trying to navigating things that can’t be navigated because they’re lodged so deeply into the deepest depths of the heart.

A heart that’s filled with infinite twists and turns that send you backtracking if you get too close or it gets too frightening.

A heart that changes like the weather without ever really changing at all.

It doesn’t make sense, but then when it comes to love, and feelings, and heartbreak-what does? Not much, if you ask me, but we all just keep coming back like moths to a flame. We can’t stay away-we need it-and would we really want to stay away if we could? I doubt it. Feeling the temporary joy and pain is immensely preferable to feeling numb and empty.

So return we will. We’ll pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and force ourselves back into the caverns of human emotion with hope that one of the chambers we venture down will lead to the center-a place filled with warmth and light… Or so we’ve been told.

I’ll admit at this point in the post that it did not go anywhere near where I assumed it would when I started writing, but sometimes when I’m letting myself poor raw thoughts onto the page like this, it rarely does. This is one-hundred percent why blogging can be therapeutic. I started this post wanting to talk about how I’m not over him and how it still hurts sometimes, and ended up completely forgiving him right here at word 729. Don’t get me wrong, forgiving isn’t excusing… I still feel that if he wanted me badly enough he’d do something to make it happen, and since he’s not doing anything to move towards that goal… Well, all I know is that I can’t stay here in this place hoping for a move to finally be made.

The forgiveness though… In the forgiveness I’ve found right here on this page there is something miraculous… A sort of release. Will this be the end of wanting? No. Will it be the end of hurting for that want? Unlikely… But does it feel easier? A little bit… I’ll take “a little easier”. I’ll take being able to look at him and remember that he’s only human and he’s trying to make his way through all of these winding and misleading roads of emotion… Just like me. Our paths are unique. The way we travel those paths may be different, but we are the same inside, and it’s all going to be okay…

Whatever you want
Whatever you’re needing
Whatever you feel
I’ll bring it all back around
I promise you this
I promise I’m bleeding
Take it easy on me now
Take it easy on me now

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Kiss me, oh kiss me, under the covers
Hide from the world now, for we feel like no others
And I’m sorry, so sorry, that I put you through all this
But I hope now that you see that I’ve tasted every tear on your lips
That I’ve tasted every tear on your lips

Ask me your questions
I can give you no answers
I’m turning the tables
You’ve had too many chances
I promise you one thing
I’ll never walk away with hope to watch you fall
Because falling fills my memories

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Don’t walk away and watch me fall
Don’t walk away and watch us both fall down
I wont walk away and watch you fall, oh