Falling is Difficult... Musical Mondays are Therapy.

Shares 73

I’m over it. The words were out before there was time to think about whether or not they were true. Truthfully, I didn’t know if they were true, but I did know that I didn’t want to have the same conversation for the hundredth time. You know, the conversation that starts with him telling me how badly he wants me, but that it’s complicated, and ends with an acceptance of yes, you want me, but not bad enough to do anything about it.

The truth is, as soon as the words left me and my fingers hit the tiny green send button on the screen, a well of emotion swelled up inside of me, informing me that I was no where near over it. Somehow, I thought that just saying that I was over it would make it so-or at least allow us to avoid our default back and forth on why we both want each other but can’t be together right now. In all honesty, I have grown extremely weary of this discussion that seems to go around and around and around, yet always brings us back to square one. However, every time I try to avoid the conversation I come off as callous or cold.

I don’t feel callous or cold… I feel a whole world of emotion, most of it very heated, and none of these feelings leave me feeling detached from the situation in any way… I have no desire to hurt him with my words, and yet somehow I do. At these times, he’s always quick to point out that it’s on him, explaining that it’s his own fault we’re even in this situation, and that maybe he doesn’t have a right to feel sad about me moving on so quickly. I don’t know how he can feel like I’m moving on so quickly when I’ve been at this for nearly six months and I’m still trudging through the mud of deciding whether to hold on or to let go. I’m not stuck here, but I’m moving at a snails pace, or so it seems to me.

The truth is, he’s allowed to feel that way, and honestly I think I’d be kind of bummed if he was anything but sad about me moving on… He’s allowed to feel any damn way he feels. We’re all allowed to feel the ways we do, and we shouldn’t have to feel guilty for feeling it-whether that’s angry or sad-even if a situation is our fault. Just feel something… Anything… Feeling is an important part of this road we’re all on, whether we’re traveling together or alone.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes.

We’re all just trying our damnedest to get by in this great big world, a world that while filled with so much good, is also filled with scary and confusing things. That’s life. That’s being an adult. That’s trying to navigating things that can’t be navigated because they’re lodged so deeply into the deepest depths of the heart.

A heart that’s filled with infinite twists and turns that send you backtracking if you get too close or it gets too frightening.

A heart that changes like the weather without ever really changing at all.

It doesn’t make sense, but then when it comes to love, and feelings, and heartbreak-what does? Not much, if you ask me, but we all just keep coming back like moths to a flame. We can’t stay away-we need it-and would we really want to stay away if we could? I doubt it. Feeling the temporary joy and pain is immensely preferable to feeling numb and empty.

So return we will. We’ll pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and force ourselves back into the caverns of human emotion with hope that one of the chambers we venture down will lead to the center-a place filled with warmth and light… Or so we’ve been told.

I’ll admit at this point in the post that it did not go anywhere near where I assumed it would when I started writing, but sometimes when I’m letting myself poor raw thoughts onto the page like this, it rarely does. This is one-hundred percent why blogging can be therapeutic. I started this post wanting to talk about how I’m not over him and how it still hurts sometimes, and ended up completely forgiving him right here at word 729. Don’t get me wrong, forgiving isn’t excusing… I still feel that if he wanted me badly enough he’d do something to make it happen, and since he’s not doing anything to move towards that goal… Well, all I know is that I can’t stay here in this place hoping for a move to finally be made.

The forgiveness though… In the forgiveness I’ve found right here on this page there is something miraculous… A sort of release. Will this be the end of wanting? No. Will it be the end of hurting for that want? Unlikely… But does it feel easier? A little bit… I’ll take “a little easier”. I’ll take being able to look at him and remember that he’s only human and he’s trying to make his way through all of these winding and misleading roads of emotion… Just like me. Our paths are unique. The way we travel those paths may be different, but we are the same inside, and it’s all going to be okay…

Whatever you want
Whatever you’re needing
Whatever you feel
I’ll bring it all back around
I promise you this
I promise I’m bleeding
Take it easy on me now
Take it easy on me now

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Kiss me, oh kiss me, under the covers
Hide from the world now, for we feel like no others
And I’m sorry, so sorry, that I put you through all this
But I hope now that you see that I’ve tasted every tear on your lips
That I’ve tasted every tear on your lips

Ask me your questions
I can give you no answers
I’m turning the tables
You’ve had too many chances
I promise you one thing
I’ll never walk away with hope to watch you fall
Because falling fills my memories

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Don’t walk away and watch me fall
Don’t walk away and watch us both fall down
I wont walk away and watch you fall, oh

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Angie

Angie is a coffee-fueled writer, artist-wanna-be, and over-worker who currently resides in a tiny fixer-upper near Salt Lake City with her boyfriend and 70lb rescue pittie. She works full time in Customer Service/Computers, part-time in retail and fashion, goes to school part-time on and off, maintains this and another couple of blogs, as well as volunteers with rescue dogs. In her free time, what little of it there is, she likes to read, play nerd games, craft and create art, and spend time with all of the awesome people in her life.

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Shares 73

Chris

Hugs to you. No words, just hugs.
- Miss Angie
  
  Thanks love. 🙂
clairecly

Thanks for sharing this, it’s really from the heart x
- Miss Angie
  
  Thanks for stopping by.
Shann Eva

Really great post. I often use my blog as an emotional outlet too. It’s so therapeutic to get everything out there. It certainly is hard sharing with everyone, so thank you for your honesty and bravery.
- Miss Angie
  
  Thank you. 🙂
Beth

You can be done with hope without pushing somebody away, for sure. And you can push somebody away in order to heal, without the intention to never know them or the need to hate them. I think, every time you write about the situation, your forgiveness needs to extend to yourself. *hugs*
- Miss Angie
  
  Yeah, but I’m not really mad at myself. I’m just working through it one therapeutic post at a time. lol
  - Beth
    
    Thank goodness for blogging! Cheaper than a therapist, and keeps a written record so you can’t fall for the same B.S. again and again. 😉
Ricki Treleaven

(((((hugs))))) from Alabama, Sweetie!
- Miss Angie
  
  Thanks love!
KimiWho.com

I’m really worried for you.

Maybe it’s my own experience with abusive relationships that is making me feel this way, but I feel like you’re in one of sorts and maybe don’t realize it. There’s nothing wrong with forgiveness, but… I don’t think you’re forgiving the right person.

Writing is so therapeutic and it leads us at times to find new thoughts and feelings. From my perspective, it looks like you went from how you need to be over this and maybe you aren’t over this (which is fine) to forgiving him. I don’t know what makes you think he deserves forgiveness. Yes, he’s human and we all make mistakes… but he’s absolutely decided to stay in a situation he knew would hurt you, would hurt chances of being with you, would cause drama and hurt for everyone involved. He dragged you into that… and you allowed yourself to be dragged into it.

The only person you owe forgiveness to… is yourself. You owe it to you to say “Ya know what, I let some idiot make a mess of me and I deserve better and I forgive me for it.” Then you move on and you leave this loser behind because that’s what he is. He’s a loser for complicating your life emotionally and going as far as to acknowledge it and keep doing it.
- Miss Angie
  
  I disagree with you. I’m strong and self-aware enough to understand my own situation, and I’ve been through the ringer with enough men to know what abusive relationships look like-and this just doesn’t peg it. I know you’re seeing what you see because you’re seeing it from a place that is tainted by what you’ve been through, but it’s not the same situation. He’s been 100% honest and up front with me the whole time, and he’s never once asked me to do anything he thought would hurt me. He never even asked me to hang on and though he cares about me and wants me, he’s also been very clear on the fact that he doesn’t want me to wait around if it hurts me. To be fair, he’s tried to let me go in spite of not wanting to let me go.
  
  Yeah, it’s shitty of him to not man up and do something about it, but he’s also dealing with his own things on the side I can’t mention here and there are other people involved in these decisions. That’s what I forgive him for. I forgive him for not being strong enough.
  
  You may be right on the fact that I have to forgive myself, but I’m not really mad at myself. Not yet anyway. I may get there if I hang on too long or something, but right now I’m in awe of the human-ness of the whole thing.
  - KimiWho.com
    
    I hope you know that my comment came from a place of love and concern. I feel like I may have unintentionally touched a nerve and for that, I’m really sorry.
    
    I don’t know the whole story or what anyone is dealing with – I could only comment on what I have seen in these posts and read about. From my perspective, it sounds emotionally abusive and makes me worry for you – especially as I watch you go back and forth with your feelings. I’ve just… been there, ya know? So my immediate reaction is to point out what I wish other people had pointed out for me – at the risk of inappropriately doing so I guess (again, I’m sorry).
    - Miss Angie
      
      You’re okay. 🙂 I know it comes from a good place, just know that there isn’t any emotional abuse. He’s been very respectful and if I wanted to just walk away and never talk to him again he’d respect it. I just don’t. All of the back and forth is literally on me. lol
      - KimiWho.com
        
        Well I’m really glad to hear that. I’m all gettin’ worried about peoples over here! lol
Karen M Peterson

I’m glad you were able to give forgiveness in this process and to get to a point where you’re able to move on. I’m sorry it wasn’t the ideal outcome, but I guarantee something good will come from this.

Because Falling Fills My Memory…

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