12:01AM, 1/1/2016: Happy new year! I hope 2016 is better for you. I’m letting go now.
For me, the new year started out sickly and heartbroken, but surrounded by good friends and a loving pup. It’s hard to be sad with a room full of wonderful people who care about you, but it’s hard to be happy at a party when the New Years text you sent was dismissing a relationship you’d wanted badly for the last eight months. But I smiled, I had another beer, and I hugged my friends goodbye as they departed into the darkness of the morning that was a new year begun.
Deep down I’d known all along that this goal of January 1st would be the end of us and this relationship scenario I’d managed to make up in my head over the months of waiting for him to be ready. Yet, with the dreamers heart I’ve been given, I’d hoped beyond hope that somehow he’d rally and in the last few days or hours before the clock struck twelve on another three-sixty-five, he’d show up at my door ready for something real with me.
But he didn’t. In fact, in the week leading up to New Years Eve I hadn’t even heard from him once. I hadn’t texted him during that time either. By this point I’d grown incredibly weary of being the lone instigator and I had no more energy to try and convince him that I was worth taking the risk. After that many months my heart was battered and the rest of me exhausted, there was nothing more I could do but let it be and hope he’d come to me-and he didn’t.
He texted a Happy New Year in return and apologized for the way things went down, and then I fell apart. It seemed to easy. How could something that was such a huge decision and heartache for me seem so easy for him? He said it wasn’t, he didn’t want to let go but he couldn’t blame me for what was his fault-he knew that if he let it be over, it would end, and he let it anyway. He had no excuse, and he hated it, but he accepted that responsibility.
It didn’t make it any easier. I still don’t want to let go, even after all of this time and understanding that I can’t go on like that anymore… I still want him. But he’s still not ready for it, even if he wants it badly. Even if we both want it badly.
Thinking over everything that happened and that conversation as I said goodbye to what I’d wanted so badly; I think he wanted me to end it so he wouldn’t have to be ready. I wonder if he’s just so scared, and so not ready for something, that it was easier for him to pass the power to me. That way he doesn’t have to be ready, and he can allow himself to beat himself up for losing me… I can’t say for sure that is what it is, but it seems likely… And it makes me sad… But, it is what it is. I can’t change it.
All I can do now is move on with my life and hope that if it’s meant to be, one day we’ll find our ways back, and if it’s not, we’ll heal and move forward. I don’t know what to hope for right now, and perhaps I shouldn’t worry about either. Right now I need to do a little healing, and work on moving on, and hope that everything is as it should be.
I think that’s all we can do when we come to a crossroads like this. Life hands us a path we didn’t expect, or didn’t want even if we did expect it, and we’re left to decide whether we get hung up on that change or move forward. A new year is the perfect time to move forward. A new year offers us the perfect inspiration and momentum to start fresh and try another path.
Here’s to a new year, new paths, and a little healing.
Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word can make a heart open
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn’t say, wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream out loud tonight, can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on, starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep, everybody’s worried about me
In too deep, say I’m in too deep
It’s been two years, I miss my home, there’s a fire burning in my bones
I still believe, yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn’t say, wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream out loud tonight, can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on, starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word can make a heart open
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion
This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on, starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
No I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
-Rachel Platton, Fight Song
