After three years of casual dating and small flings, I find myself lacking the practice at relationships. I had one long-term relationship which started in 2004 when I was 18 and ended in 2006 just before I turned 20. Since then there have probably been about 12-15 guys that I would consider dating experience. These are guys that I had a small fling with, or went out with a couple of times, tried to have open relationships with, or some would even classify as a one night stand. They were not, by any means, lasting relationships. That doesn’t mean I don’t remember them all pretty well, and chalk them up to experience, it just means that I feel inexperienced when it comes to relationships. Love is a different story. I have always been a person that was capable of opening up and fully loving just about anyone I decided to, and I love all of my friends more than I could possibly explain. Even a few of the “flings” I would admit to have loved some of them, as it is easy for me to love people, and to love whole-heartedly. I do not doubt my ability to love, however I wonder about my ability to function in a proper relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to ever have a normal relationships, it’s just that for three years it’s been a different story, and even before that you could hardly call it functional. So forgive me if I’m a little gun-shy, but I honestly find myself asking “could I really be that girl?” Before, I’d always thought I’d make an awesome girlfriend, so why now the hesitance? Why am I so afraid of failure here? I think I’ve just gotten to where it’s comfortable for me here. I’m used to this, this is the rythm and the flow that I’ve settled into. There’s no telling who I’ll be if I shake that up too much.Oh well… I guess I just jump and see where I land…
So I had my date with [Womanizer] last night. The whole day I stressed that I would get stood up, and when he didn’t return my call when I called him at lunch (like he asked) to make plans, I got worried. When I tried again at my last break, no answer either. So I texted him to make sure he wasn’t going to stand me up. He replied that he’d gotten a job, and he was sorry but he was going to work late.
So that set me into a foul mood to begin with, because I really thought he was going to be canceling on me. Found out, he was just going to be late. Yeah yeah yeah, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, and I shouldn’t overreact. In any case, he showed up at my house about 9:30, and picked me up. We went to IHOP to have dinner (since it’s Utah, there’s not much open after that time) and we sat and talked.
I was awkward, I wont lie. I pretty much just sat there and didn’t make very good conversation. He was confused, and I felt bad. You could definitely tell that he was expecting more when he came home, and honestly that’s my fault. Argh! Why do I have to go back and forth so much and flip flop on what I want? It’s all because one moment I really want it, and then another I get scared and tend to shy away from it. Blech!
Also, I really know I shouldn’t make comparisons… Especially not when I’m feeling awkward. What on earth is wrong with me? Why do I always have to be so Jaded, and why do I always have to try and screw it up for myself? Gods, some of the things I found myself failing to explain, left him looking like I’d killed his cat or something. Awful!
The conversation was pretty serious, he told me basically everything he wants and what time frame he is looking at. What’s funny is, I want all of those things too! I just think my time frame is a little different, I’m a little slower, and it takes me longer to make up my mind. I’ve been impetuous before, I don’t want to rush right in to rush right back out again. But I don’t want to hesitate so long I lose my shot at something that could potentially be great for me.
By the end of the evening I’d warmed up enough that I offered my hand, and was talking and opening up a bit more. I still wasn’t wavering much on my uncertainty, but I was doing a better job of explaining it. *I think* He had to go home about 11:00, because he had to be up at 5am the next day, but we discussed seeing each other Sunday, and I got gutsy enough to give him a quick peck or two before he left… I still hope I’ll get over the nerves.
This whole week has been crazy, as it’s just seemed to be one thing after the other, and everything just seems to be coming out of left field and blindsiding me. Yesterday, by far, had to be the craziest day of them all!
When I’m bored at work, I can check my facebook account from my phone (I have unlimited data usage, it rocks!) and just happened to do so about 7pm last night. One of my very dearest friends had changed his status to say “I just have to say goodbye and I love you even if you wont understand.” Now, this could be passed off as anything if you don’t know him, and don’t know his history. This worried me, so I immediately messaged another Josh (his best friend) and asked him if he knew what was going on. He was in class, but as soon as it ended he headed up to see what was going on. All the while I was very antsy and wanted to run up too, but was stuck on call after call at work, and didn’t get out of their until about ten after 8pm. The update I got via text said that Josh was out looking for him, and that friend’s family didn’t know where he was either, and was out looking for him. Had to stop for gas and then drove as fast as I possibly could to get up to Ogden to help look.
I met up with Josh at that friend’s house, and we stopped and talked to the family a while. The first place we checked was a trail head up on Mountain road where we knew this friend frequented, and we ended up hiking up it. Having had asthma since I was a child, my poor lungs really had a hard time with the cold air, not to mention my chest and ribs were still sore from having the stomach flu the day before. I had had an intuition that morning that I should wear my boots rather than my little slip on mary-janes, but I went with the fashionable shoes because it was warm outside. Boy, did I really wish I was wearing my boots when I was trudging through the snow and the mud on the side of that mountain!
It really frustrates me! Why on earth did the universe give me this “witch intuition” and these abilities if I can’t use them for things that matter? It’s not fair at all! What is the point in having the psychic ability tell me to wear boots (no matter how useful that would have been to listen too) and not be able to locate a missing friend? I want to be able to hone my ability more, and be able to use it for things that matter and not silly things like shoes! Josh and I discussed it and we thought it might have something to do with our emotion getting in the way, because we’re both super gifted, but then we may be too close to the situation! I want to be able to put emotion aside and use my gift for anything!
Anyways, we ended up back at his house with his family and the police were finally involved. His brother had seen him about a half hour before, so we went and drove through the cemetery and the ATC looking for him, and by the time we got back to the house we were surprised to find an officer already there. After the officer left, we finally found him walking home and got out of the car to talk to him. He wouldn’t talk to us, and seemed pretty upset, so we just walked in silence with him home. Immediately he locked himself in his room, and we talked with his family a bit more and then headed home. I really wish I could show him how much we all loved him, because not only was his whole family there looking for him, but Josh and I were too, and I was getting calls/texts every 10 minutes from friends who wanted to be there but couldn’t and were looking for an update. We do love him so much.
That wasn’t the end of my night, I realize this post is long, but it was such a crazy day I have to share! I get home about 11:30 and Kristina is sitting on the couch reading Mark’s most recent blog. Turns out there was a huge mishap at work (I wont go into too many details) and he was put on administrative leave. There was an incident that happened, and it wasn’t even on his shift, but he happened to have been in charge the shift before where they say the precipitating events occurred, and they may need a fall guy. In any case, they’ve put him on paid leave until they can get the whole thing sorted out. Well he really needed a friend or two, but couldn’t come up because he’d been drinking (alone) since about 6pm and was feeling really down.
So I said “What the hell!” and Kristina and I jumped in the car, cranked up the music, and were on our way to Salt Lake City to pick him up. The drive down was super fun, and we sang at the top of our lungs to Alanis in the car and drove with the windows down part of the way… Swung into SLC, picked up Mark at his apartment and drove back home. We chatted along the way about Mark’s woes, and then stopped and spent 45 minutes fooling around in Wally World and getting groceries because we really don’t have much in the house. It was kind of fun actually.
Anyways, I’ll end my long post here, but can you seriously add this to the list I’m quickly wracking up here of reason’s why this week is one of the most INSANE I’ve ever had to live through? I still have at least two & a half more days of this because IT’S ONLY THURSDAY! But tonight, Enoch is coming over… I’m both nervous and excited, and I have butterflies making my tummy all grumbly! So I’ll be sure to have another post with an update tomorrow morning… If anyone reads these long things.. I hope they’re at least entertaining!
Whew! What a weekend! This past weekend, I took 4 days off of work so that I could watch Kailee and Kaden while Ken and Kristina were in Vegas. Also, Matthew had his kids up for the weekend, so there were 4 children under 4 running around the house. I wont lie, there were a few times where I very nearly considered having my uterus taken out! All in all however, we did just fine and I had some fun with them too.
I’ve had a friend or two express their worry about when other friends get into a relationship, their single friends stop seeing them as much or at all. They tend to disappear, and I worried about that too, because I love my friends more than you can possibly imagine. However, I don’t’ see why I should have to give any of that up at all. I’m going to do my best to merge those relationships, so they become his friends too! Besides, look at Ken and Kristina, they do really well at maintaining friendships and they have been married 5 years with 2 small children…