Today I Am Thirty + My Thirtieth Birthday Photo Shoot

April 18, 2016 by Angie 191 Comments

Today is my thirtieth birthday. At 8:15PM I will officially leave my twenties and move into a new decade that starts at thirty. The big 3-0. You know what? I’m totally fine with it.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m learning to love myself.

I’ve spent a lot of my life hating my body. That’s what we big girls are taught to do. We’re taught to hate the fat we carry, the skin that sags a little, and every other little imperfection we’ve developed over the years. Society tries to tell us if we’re not tall, thin, perfectly toned, tanned, and #flawless, that there’s nothing to love about ourselves. That we should hide the things that are deemed unattractive, and we should spend our time berating ourselves for each extra pound and doing nothing but striving to fit the mold they want us in.

Well, I’m tired of it, and it stops here. I’m not moving into another decade worrying about my arms showing or whether my shaper top is smoothing out the rolls around my torso. It’s too exhausting to try and fit into the small space society has outlined for me. There’s no more fight in me to try to twist and contort into what they want me to be. So I’m going to live life loudly and take up as much space as I want to. Don’t get me wrong, loving my body also means I need to feed it right and exercise it, so I’m also going to still be doing those things. I’m just not going to be angry at myself when I miss them or “fail” anymore. I’m going to love myself in all of my imperfection and at every step of the way.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m facing my fears.

The idea of doing a photo shoot terrified me. I don’t like the way I look in photos, other than selfies where I know I can get the right angle, but it was something I’d told myself I had to do for so long. When I booked the appointment in January I told myself I had a good three or so months to workout and get in shape. With the stress of school and everything else, I didn’t. I’ve lost a few pounds, but nothing noticeable, and so the idea of canceling my shoot definitely crossed my mind.

Today I Am Thirty & Loving Myself Just the Way I Am

But I didn’t. I put on my favorite dress and we headed up the canyon. I got in front of the camera and I while I felt awkward at first, by the end of the night I was acting the fool and making all sorts of crazy poses and having a lot of fun with it.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I will live as brightly as possible.

I’ve been asked so many times “why did you dye your hair purple?” and aside from the obvious “because I could” answer, I keep saying that if I’m going to turn thirty, why not do so with purple hair? It turns out that dying my hair purple is one of my favorite things I’ve ever done. I LOVE it. It’s beautiful, and I think it quite suits me.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m feeling strong and independent.

Somehow in the last year of my twenties I did all of the things I said I probably couldn’t do until I had a partner. I bought a house all on my own and I adopted a dog. I’ve been rocking it on my own, and showing not only myself but others that you don’t have to rely on a man, or on anyone really, to get the things you want.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m finally learning how to be loved in the right way.

I’d honestly started thinking that I would never find someone who wanted the same things as me and who loved me the same way I loved them. I spent the majority of my twenties chasing after the wrong men. Men who didn’t want commitment, or who wanted to be polyamorous, or who were too broken to know what they did or didn’t want.

Then, just a month shy of my thirtieth birthday I met a guy who DOES want the same things as me and who also loves me just as much as I love him. He looks at me like I’m the sun, he loves my dog in spite of Bub’s first introductory face-bite, and he spent my birthday weekend trying to make me feel like the most important and spoiled woman around. He made this birthday the best by far, and I’m looking forward to many more with him by my side.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I am so excited for this upcoming journey.

People say that your thirties are the new twenties, but what it seems like is like your twenties… But with everything figured out. Your twenties are for experimentation, figuring out what you want, and making a hell of a lot of mistakes. It’s like you drew yourself a map when you were 18 or 19, and now that map is covered with all sorts of scribbled out lines and new paths, and it’s worn from all the times you’ve folded and unfolded it and re-edited the plan.

Your thirties are for the person you’ve become after all of that exploration. It’s for living the life you have decided to have or work towards. It’s for achieving the things you’ve set your mind to, actually working down the path you’ve newly drawn out on a freshly printed map. I’m so excited for a steadier pace, and a whole lot of new adventures taken with a whole decade of wisdom behind me.

A HUGE thank you to my stylist and friend Jamie at Pamela’s Salon, the boyfriend for putting up with this whole photo shoot and helping with Bub, and of course my extremely talented friend and photographer Valor of Valor Photography. She did a beautiful job!

Angie

Angie is a coffee-fueled writer, artist-wanna-be, and over-worker who currently resides in a tiny fixer-upper near Salt Lake City with her boyfriend and 70lb rescue pittie. She works full time in Customer Service/Computers, part-time in retail and fashion, goes to school part-time on and off, maintains this and another couple of blogs, as well as volunteers with rescue dogs. In her free time, what little of it there is, she likes to read, play nerd games, craft and create art, and spend time with all of the awesome people in her life.

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

What Do I Even Do With a Boyfriend?

April 4, 2016 by Angie 73 Comments

Okay folks, I am officially announcing it on the blog-that makes it official official right? I have a boyfriend. A real boyfriend. Not a “I like this guy and we’re seeing each other but he’s not sure he wants to commit so we’re just keeping it casual…” but a BOYFRIEND. A.k.a an attractive fella who buys me flowers, likes me as much as I like him, and checks in on me throughout the day to make sure I know I’m appreciated and missed. It’s kind of spectacular.

You know, I can’t remember a time in the last ten years that I’ve had a relationship where that term was or could be used. Yes, I’ve dated… A lot. However, all of those guys I dated either weren’t longterm, serious, or willing enough to become an actual boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Even the ones that were around for a while were too messed up to claim any kind of commitment… I had a lot of “yeah we’re together, but we’re open/polyamorous/etc.” and thus, we never used the title.

And then, after only 3 dates, while wrapped up together in the comfort of a warm bed he asked me to be his girlfriend. He looked at me in the dark and said “What does this mean? What are we? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?” It wasn’t a complete shock, we’d already discussed what we were looking for, both of us stating that we wanted a stable committed relationship instead of the long string of duds and heartaches we’d been exposed to previously.

Wasn’t three dates and a week of dating too short for any kind of real commitment? We’d only even been talking for about two weeks… How could we just say-hey you’re my boyfriend/girlfriend after knowing each other for so little time? I thought about it for a moment. I’d read articles about how the French date, they just couple up and get to know each other as an exclusive couple. No reason to DTR (define the relationship) and no need for all the drama and struggle that is what we call dating. “No, we’re not in a relationship, we’re just dating.” What even is that? Why do we do it? I hate it.

So why not? Why not take a leap and try something different-nothing I’ve been doing has been working so maybe it’s time to take a new approach to this whole love thing. So I said “yes, I’ll be your girlfriend” and he kissed me and declared that we would absolutely be monogamous. No sharing, no misunderstanding, no wondering what we are to each other… We’re just skipping all of the junk and stress and we’re giving this a real go. A real honest-to-goodness try at something real.

I woke up the next morning in a bit of a state of shock. Yes, it should be no big deal-and it feels easy and good-but I didn’t even know what to do with a boyfriend… I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long and I had started to wonder if I was a little bit broken where commitment was concerned. How do you function in a real relationship? How do you function without worrying and wondering if it’s going anywhere? What do you do when you know he’s just as into you as you are to him?

It’s really kind of messed up that those are even thoughts that crossed my mind. I legitimately have dated so many guys that weren’t at all good for me (some of them were good people, some of them not, but none of them were “healthy” relationships) that I wasn’t even sure how to function in a real partnership. I mean yeah, I’ve always said that I’d make a damn good girlfriend, but when faced with the real opportunity part of me felt a bit flighty. A very small part of me felt the need to run for something familiar…

But I squashed the tiny flicker of fear that popped up from the wreckage that was the damaged parts of my heart and I went for it. I took a leap, he took a leap, and it felt damn good to be all in with someone who was all in with me. It’s nice to start a relationship on an even playing field, knowing that we can move towards a future without having to second guess or stress over it.

Thus, the perpetual single girl that I’ve been my whole life disappeared overnight.

I am somebody’s girlfriend.

Somebody with a big heart, tons of intelligence, and the desire to grow into something lasting and meaningful. I really lucked out with this one I think, and I’m so excited to get to know him better and see what we grow into.

I actually posted on Facebook a status talking about how I didn’t know what to do with a boyfriend. Here were a few of my favorite responses:

“You have to feed and water them regularly or they die.” – Kristina

“So after that point it stops being we’re just having fun together, and when they start going through real shit in their life you wade through it with them, and they wade through it for you too, and if one or the other isn’t willing to get dirty then it probably won’t work but if you can be there in the shit together then you have a chance.” – Andrew

“You start dating. They say let’s be a couple. You lick them to claim them as yours. They give you a class ring. Eventually you leave a toothbrush at their house. Months later you get a smith’s account together and get $0.15 off each gallon of gas.” – Julie

“You might freak out about the Smith’s card. Or you might save that freak out for the Costco membership.” – Megan

“The biggest freak out was the second key to the new car they just bought.” – Jon

“Does anyone? I think we all just fake it until it goes on long enough that things seem set.” – Beth

I’m so sick of that same old love
That shit it tears me up
I’m so sick of that same old love
My body’s had enough
Oooh, that same old love
Oooh, that same old love

I’m so sick of that same old love
Feels like I’ve blown apart
I’m so sick of that same old love
The kind that breaks your heart
Oooh, that same old love
Oooh, that same old love

Like it? Buy it:

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Picking Up The Pieces Of A Broken Heart

April 2, 2016 by Angie 3 Comments

There are few things in life that will hit you harder than a breakup. At the time, life can seem painfully unfair, and you may question whether you’ll ever feel happy again. The answer to that question is yes. It can take months, years, even decades to get over a breakup. But you will come through the other side. Here are some tips to help you rebuild after heartbreak and take care of that broken heart.

Stay Positive

It can be incredibly easy to wallow in self-pity and adopt a pessimistic outlook for the future. Even though it may seem impossible, try and stay positive. Take the good things from your relationship and focus on them. Think about how closure will enable you to move forward. Although you’re hurting, there may be advantages to starting afresh. Relationships don’t work every time. In hindsight, most people find that breaking up was the right thing to do. Sometimes, you’re just not right for each other. Closing one door is always likely to open a new one.

Sort the Practicalities

Ending a relationship is not always as simple as calling it a day and moving on. Often, there are other people joint ventures and legal matters to contend with. If you are married, you may wish to pursue divorce proceedings. There are various ways you can go about this. Seek legal advice and consider your options. In recent years, the legal processes of going through a divorce have become more accessible and efficient. It is now possible to get a divorce online with Divorce Guru. The service has been established by experienced attorneys, and it offers a hassle-free solution for busy people.

Once you’ve got practical matters sorted, you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Niggling matters can stress you out and prolong the agony of breaking up.

Give Yourself Time

There’s no set time-limit on recovery following a breakup. Don’t rush yourself into moving on or dating. Take time and be selfish for a while. Have you given up hobbies during your relationship? Have you prioritized your partner over your friends? Now is the time to reconnect with loved ones and spend time doing things you enjoy. Don’t beat yourself up if you have a bad day from time to time. The healing process can take a while. Be patient, keep busy and always look to the future.

Seek Help

If you’re struggling to come to terms with the end of a relationship, don’t be afraid to ask for help. A breakup can turn your world upside down. It’s natural to feel lost, confused and sad. Speak to friends or family members. Or seek advice from your doctor. If you have symptoms of depression, or you feel like you are treading water, counselling may help. It can often be easier to talk through problems and feelings with people who don’t know you.

If you’re going through a breakup, take these steps to mind that broken heart. It may be hard work and it may take a long time, but you will succeed. I’m here if you need to talk about anything.

How have you dealt with a broken heart?

This post contains affiliate links. Thank you so much for supporting my blog-it helps a ton!

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Making Your Own Closure When There Isn’t Any to Be Found

March 14, 2016 by Angie 68 Comments

And at once, almost out of the blue and without any real closure, I knew it was over.

It was so sudden, the feeling in my chest as I listened to him speak only a few feet away, that at first I had to stop for a moment and make sure I fully understood the feeling. It was over. My heart just let go. Did he feel that too? Did he know that it was over?

It had been so many months of holding on to something that wasn’t happening-something that would never happen-that the sudden combination of relief and loss that washed over me was enormous and almost crushing. There was suddenly understanding and recognition of the death of something that I’d wanted so much for so long-too much for too long. And then, following the realization, there was pain-not the type of pain you experience with an injury, but that deep ache that builds in your chest when your heart breaks. However, alongside the startling awareness and the the hurt, there was calm. It was like an ocean of emotion welled up and swallowed me whole, but just like when you stand yards from the shore and let the waves crash down upon you, it was peaceful there inside that roaring sea.

The talking continued only a few feet from where I was sitting, but the sound dulled in my ears. My thoughts rose up loudly inside my head and engulfed the external sound until all I could do was acknowledge what was happening to me. Lost in speculation, I was pushed into studying this new sense of cognizance for the situation to make sure I fully understood what I was feeling. It was loss and freedom, silent encompassing relief with a touch of sorrow lurking just behind it, and it was cessation. It was an expiration of sorts. The timeline my heart had set somewhere within the depths of it, an agenda that I wasn’t consciously aware of, had just sounded it’s alarm and it was ready to release me from this never ending waiting.

It’s not that the feelings I’d had, that love I’d carried within me for so many months, had ended. These were still there folded within themselves in some small part of my heart that might always want him a little bit. It was just that they didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter how much I’d loved, or how much I’d wanted, because it was over. All that mattered was that it was time to be free of it. Time to mourn what was lost for one final time so that the healing could begin, and after that healing, the future. A future that no longer included this relationship I’d hoped for.

This my friends, is a closure of sorts.

When there’s no actual closure to be had-when you can’t hear the words “it’s over” spoken aloud or written in text-I think something in your mind/heart/body steps in and lends a helping hand in some sort of fight or flight emotional self-preservation instinct. It’s harder this way, and it definitely takes longer to come about, but it eventually it arrives. I think you just have to wait for it, and be ready to give up the fight and accept it when it appears. You have to be ready to let go of all of the things that had happened in the past, all of the promises that were made but never fulfilled, and most of all, you have to surrender the fable you’d made up in your mind about what an existence with them by your side would have been like.

He would have never said it out loud to me. He’d have never told me he didn’t love me, or that he didn’t want to be with me again-because those would have been lies. He did love me, in some unspoken or unacknowledged way, and he did want to be with me-but you don’t always get what you want and you can’t keep everything you love. That’s a lesson it has taken me many years and many rough partings to understand. It’s a lesson he probably isn’t ready for yet. If I let him, he’d keep promising. He’d promise that soon everything would be okay, that eventually our timelines would come together and we’d have a real chance, and that if he could he’d drop everything and be with me right then. He’d mean them, each and every word, even though he couldn’t keep them.

I’d spent a lot of time l secretly lamenting our lack of closure. There was no way I could bring up our ending with him… I’d tried and failed multiple times before because neither of us really wanted to lose the other. Oh, he’d offer to let me go, and he’d be all valiant and selfless for a moment in that willingness to give up what he wanted-and I’d get sucked back in again. Then, when I was firmly rooted back in waiting to give it another try, he’d start promising again-and in my desire for this coveted state to be a reality I’d ignore all the times the promises had failed before and hope beyond what I knew to be true. Our cycle is one I know well at this point.

Not once was this done in effort to hurt me. I know without a doubt that he didn’t want to hurt me, he just… Wanted me. He wanted me as badly as I wanted him, but the difference between us remained that I was able to be there-to be in it-whatever it was, and he wasn’t. It was outside his capability at this moment in time, and he wasn’t ready to be in a position where it could happen, no matter how badly he wished to be. I can’t fault him for that, for wanting and loving me, just as I can’t fault myself for hanging on so long to someone who couldn’t be what I needed them to be. We do whatever we can for a just another little taste of what could be, of what we feel should be, and we remain so completely and utterly fools for that love that we crave so very badly.

So, in the face of not being able to take or even make real solid closure, all I could do was let go. The only thing I could do was stop asking, stop fighting, stop initiating, and see if it slipped away from my grasp-and it did. The tide came in and swept it all away faster than I expected, and as our conversations grew more forced, and fewer and farther in between, and the rapport we’d shared for so long dwindled-all I could do was accept it.

It would be false of me to say that even in the midst of this acceptance some small part of me didn’t still hope that he’d suddenly be ready to love me. In some fantasy world, one concocted and formed with revisionist history, he would have. He’d have felt that same shift that I felt as I sat there listening to him from across the room, and in fear of losing me forever, he’d have stepped up. But that was never his style, and life isn’t like the stories we’re told. There’s no grand gesture, no boy with a boom box outside your window, and there isn’t always a grand ending where it all comes together like we knew it would all along.

That’s just it… Things don’t always come together, nor do they always fall apart in one grand eruption that leaves one party the victor and the other licking their wounds. Sometimes… Well, sometimes it fades away quietly a state of being-or not being-where both parties feel a profound loss, and no one comes out of it the way they were before… Or with anything they’d wanted and wished for. At times, the end is just a soft sorrow that eventually fades into numb acceptance, and after the acceptance comes the peace… If we let it.

So this is me choosing to open myself up to that end that is arriving on the horizon. I am choosing to finally welcome the defeat I’ve been holding at bay for so long, yet I feel anything but defeated. This tale-the story of he and me and everything we wanted us to be-may be coming to a victor-less close, but with this cheerless finish so ends the exhausting battle that was trying to make something what it never was.

Yes, I’m sad, and I may be sad for a while. I’ll miss him, or maybe I’ll miss the idea of him, but for once I am contented in the knowledge that it is time. We have to stop this ride and get off for the sake of our sanity. Grief and heartbreak may be a high price to pay, but it is not a price that we can’t recover from. It hurts. But it’s okay. Everything will be okay, if not better in this.

Note: I really am okay. This was a very cathartic post to write, and it felt so good to string these words together. Thank you all for the support!

Let go of my hand so I can feel again
Nothing’s going to hurt as much as that final touch
No we can’t be friends
‘Cause I don’t think I could take seeing you and knowing where we’ve been
I hope you understand

Nothing more to say, nothing left to break
I keep reaching out for you hoping you might stay
Nothing more to give, nothing left to take
I keep reaching out for you, reaching out for you
As you turn away

One step my heart is breaking
One more my hands are shaking
The door is closing and I just can’t change it

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Quiet Goodbyes are the Hardest

March 7, 2016 by Angie 48 Comments

The hardest type of letting go may just be the silent kind. There’s no closure in a quiet goodbye. There’s no resolution to just letting something slip from your grasp simply because you don’t have the strength to hold onto it anymore, even though there’s nothing else in the world you want to do but hold it to you tightly. A reticent farewell doesn’t allow one to voice their pain and work through it in the open, but rather requires the person exiting to find a way to work through those emotions knowing there’s no actual finish.

At this point in the process, I can tell you that personally I’ve found that it’s a much more difficult and painful process than getting to set a stopping point and a line that can’t be crossed. There’s too much left out in the open, too much left unsaid and undone, and the lack of specific boundaries leaves the person making the decision to let something fade away wondering if it will even take. Will I have the strength to keep letting it go without a fight or will I be roped back in again?

With as unfortunately rough these kind of goodbyes can be, and having always been someone who desperately needs some kind of explanation or closure, I now believe that sometimes they are necessary.

When I ended things on New Years Day, I told myself I’d only give this… relationship… This whatever it is/was/could be… another chance if he showed up and said exactly “I’m ready now, let’s go.” Then, only five days after I sent him that 12:01 text he sent me exactly that. “I’m ready, are you free tonight?” Of course it would happen while I was battling the worst of a Winter cold I knew I couldn’t see him in my runny voiceless state. Not only was I gross, but I couldn’t risk him catching what I was dealing with and making the separation even longer.

He agreed that it was best to wait, he was just so grateful that he hadn’t lost me forever like he thought he’d done, and he promised me he wouldn’t lose his nerve and get us stuck in the perpetual cycle of waiting again.

But the sickness drug on, and then he had some personal issues to take care of, and then he got sick… And here we are. It’s nearly two months later, and aside from the fact that his reasons have been very valid this time, it’s feeling pretty bad to be stuck here again with nothing to keep me. Yet, when I bring it up I end up feeling a bit like the bad guy because at this point there’s nothing he can do about being sick and the multiple doctor visits keeping him from spending time with me-but that’s not it.

The real problem is that it’s not just these last few months, but these last few months plus the many many months before them that lead up to that “I’m done” text, I mean I’ve tried to end it so many times… Combine that with the fact that at this point we aren’t even communicating well or often. We go days without texting, he responds to about half of my texts, he rarely texts me first, and lately he’s developed a habit of just dodging my questions. He doesn’t do it to be rude, he just does it because he can’t deal with it just then… Knowing him, I know for sure it’s not because he doesn’t want to talk to me, but because he’s oblivious and distracted with his issues. But I need something more.

Maybe it’s selfish, but I need SOMETHING, anything at all at this point. I’d be happily held over with a simple “good morning” or “how’s your day?” here and there, but the not seeing each other and the not receiving anything in return for all this waiting I’ve been doing is wearing on me and it hurts.

I brought it up with him, and we had one of our famous too much information talks that left us both shaken and upset, but ultimately ended with “I understand but this is what I need” and “I also understand, and I’ll do better.” Better it was, for a few days, but quickly it slipped right back to where it had been lingering.

From experience, I know if I bring it up we’ll have another big conversation that I just don’t have the energy for any longer, and I know that it’ll end with me in the same position because I want him too damn much. He’ll try to be noble and let me go even though he doesn’t really want to, and it’ll make me hang on a little bit tighter because it’s nice to be wanted, and we’ll both agree to do better-but we’ll still be standing still in the exact same position we’ve been in. A position I can’t stomach anymore, because it’ hurts too damn much to be left wanting and waiting with nothing to show for it.

In the face of all the wanting, and the understanding of what trying to get closure would look like, I’m left with only the option to let go on my own-to just stop fighting for something that’s looking more and more like a losing battle. The difference is, I can’t tell him I’m letting go. I can’t bring it up, and hash it out, and risk the quicksand of my affection for him strangling the motivation out of me, because goodness knows I want to sty where I am. I want to keep wanting him, it feels good to want someone who wants me, but it also feels bad when the wanting runs long and never turns into something substantial.

In my heart, if I’m really honest, there’s still a big part of me that hopes that even in my trying to silently slip away he’ll suddenly be right there and ready to be the one fighting for me. That when I put down this gauntlet he’ll pick it up and make up for everything. Hope is a hard thing like that, because you can almost never fully kill a hope that has burned that bright within you. Some of it always lingers, even when you need it to go away in order to move on with your life. But logically, logically I know I can’t wait anymore based on that hope-because history shows that it’s nothing more than a foolish dream I keep reliving in my own head-even if that dream might actually be shared on some level with the other party.

But I’ll believe when I see you standing in front of me
Eye to eye, face to face
Are you loving someone new? Has a change of heart changed you?
Maybe I’m going insane

But when the Summer turns to Fall
I wont be waiting for your call
I’m only holding on, holding on, for so long
You’ve got me holding on
On the line, on the line, on the line
On the line, on the line, on the line

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

A Gilmore Girls Guy Dilemma | Luke vs. Christopher

March 2, 2016 by Angie 73 Comments

Being late to the Gilmore Girls party, as I watched it for the first time when it hit Netflix a while back, and I have to talk about something. Forget Jess vs. Dean vs. Logan (team Logan all the way), what about Luke vs. Christopher? I’m positive that the Luke vs. Christopher debate is one that has occurred multiple times before. In fact, I’ll bet if you scoured the depth of the internet you’d find countless debates spread across LiveJournal or MySpace blogs from fans who actually watched the show while it was on air… But, with the recent announcement that Gilmore Girls will be revived by Netflix for four lovely 90-minute episodes to wrap up what was kind of left hanging previously, I’ve had the time to do some thinking.

I’ll also admit going forward that this isn’t the first time a television show has caused me a kind of existential crisis, and it probably wont be the last, but I’m not even ashamed. Like any other art form, it’s supposed to make you think, isn’t it?

Luke vs. Chrisopher

It only takes a few episodes of Gilmore Girls, long before Luke kisses Lorelei that first night at the Dragonfly, to know that Luke and Lorelei are fated. Even watching through the years and various other women (Rachel, Nicole, etc.) or the guys that Lorelei finds out are all wrong (Max, Jason, Peyton, etc.); you spend a good amount of time watching the tension between the two and longing for the moment that they finally come together. Come together they do-in a typical Gilmore Girls style chaotic way that leads to Lorelei being happier than she’s ever been, and subsequently experiencing the biggest heartbreak she’s ever experienced. Twice.

I mean, I was a Luke supporter from day one. Heartbreak or no, I had no doubt that Luke was it-a sentiment that Lorelei seems to share. I mean, he built her an ice-skating rink just to make sure she didn’t stop finding joy in Winter.

But all the while there’s this guy, Christopher, who’s the father of her daughter and who’s been in her life-and even though you love Luke (or at least I did) from the start, you watch how Christopher is with her and you wonder what it would have been like if they ended up together. Then they do, and it feels all wrong because it’s Luke, it’s supposed to be Luke! Oh but Christopher loves her… She just doesn’t love him back the same because Luke has her heart.

I hadn’t ever even thought twice about who she was meant to be with, like I said-I was team Luke all the way and had no idea that there was even a debate about it. Then, I somehow ended up in a conversation with a friend of mine who told me she didn’t like Gilmore Girls at all, and she went off on a rant about how Lorelei should have chosen Christopher and stayed with him, etc. I looked at her like she was nuts-no, it’s Luke. Lorelei is meant to be with Luke; so I brushed off her ramblings as that of a crazy person and went about my business.

But then I decided to watch Gilmore Girls again to prepare for the new season. I’ve been putting it on in the evenings when I need to relax or fall asleep to something comforting. Somehow, my friend’s words have wriggled their way into my brain because I’m watching the whole thing again and thinking-was I wrong? Was Christopher actually the better choice? Should Lorelai have chosen the man who inevitably became the more stable choice?

I think this realization came to me when I was listening to the show, and Christopher tells Lorelei that his ex wants his daughter to go to Paris, and she’s surprised that he told her because she had just come out of this messy situation with Luke where he hid his newly-found daughter from her for two or more months. Something that happened in exactly the next episode after he had made Lorelei swear they’d have no secrets between them. When she states her surprise to Christopher, he says “Isn’t this the way these grown-up relationships are supposed to work?”

Let’s face it, he may have started out as the flaky dad on the motorcycle, but by the time they get together Chris really has his life in order. He has a good job, an apartment, he’s doing the single dad thing and including Lorelai in the decision making, and nearly everything he does with Lorelei is grown up and incredibly mature. Unfortunately, Luke’s life is a mess, and he keeps mucking it up even worse.

Even after writing what I wrote above and re-reading it, in my heart-it’s still Luke. Luke is without a doubt the love of Lorelai’s life-and my heart would not have been happy with the show had they ended it with her and Christopher.

But What Does That Say About Me?

All of this overthinking regarding these fictional characters isn’t just because I’m obsessed with the show, but rather I think it comes back to an internal debate I’ve had with myself for years. Am I incapable of choosing the stable guy? Do I always have to go for the “bad boy with a heart of gold who’s life is a complete and utter mess“? Do I still have that savior complex I told myself I shucked years ago?

I mean look at my dating history… Even the nice guys I date are often too damaged to be anything real with me. Look how long I have tried with Yoshi, over and over again-he has such a good heart but he’s just not ready for anything, and wont be for a very long time. No matter how much you want someone, if they’re too broken or your timing just doesn’t match up no matter what you do, you have to let them go and move on eventually. There’s only so much you can try for so long, especially if you’re the only one fighting for it. They have their own demons to battle, and sometimes you just have to let go and let them do it without you, or you’ll be trampled under the weight of it all.

I guess the first step in fixing a problem is recognizing it right? Or maybe I’m just seriously overthinking the love life of fictional characters to distract myself from the fact that mine sucks. Here’s to some healthy relationships in my future.

Anyway, I’m still all for Luke, I can’t help it. I can back it up a little bit with the fact that I just can’t forgive Christopher for not showing up when Lorelai’s father was in the hospital, or the fact that he disappeared instead of facing the problem when they had a fight over him accusing her of wanting to be with Luke instead. I hope the new series brings some good stability to Luke and Lorelai, and that it bring us viewers some closure. I’m SO excited for it.

What do you think?
Luke or Christopher?

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

How to Plan the Perfect Valentine’s Day

January 11, 2016 by Angie 3 Comments

Valentine’s Day is just a matter of weeks away, so it’s time to start planning. If you’re experiencing a January slump, it’s the perfect thing to cheer you up. While some people don’t make a big deal of Valentine’s Day, others love to do as much as they can. If you’re in the latter category, you probably want to set up the perfect day. It’s on a weekend this year, so you have time to enjoy a full day of Valentine’s fun and romance. Here’s how you can plan the perfect experience for your partner.

Make Your Own Romance

When you think of Valentine’s Day, you probably think of hearts and flowers. There’s a particular brand of romance people usually associate with the day. But that doesn’t have to be what romance means to you. Maybe your perfect romantic evening is snuggling in front of the TV with a tub of ice-cream and your favorite show. Or maybe you love going for hikes, mountain biking or doing historical reenactments together. Don’t let the media tell you what being romantic means. Look away from rom-coms and classic movies and make up your own romance. It’s much better when everything is personal to you.

Valentine’s Day Activity

You need to decide what you want to do on Valentine’s Day. Are you going to do something during the day and then have dinner at night? And if you plan a dinner, do you want to go out or stay in? Going out for a meal requires careful restaurant selection. Or maybe you’ll just go out for a walk and grab some street food. If you’re going to eat at home, that usually means cooking a meal yourself. You can also create a romantic atmosphere by decorating, lowering the lights or putting on some music.

Getting the Perfect Gift

When it’s gift exchange time, you always want to impress your significant other. Let’s face it, you want to win the gift-giving competition. Choosing valentine’s day gifts for him isn’t always easy, though. Sometimes you can only manage to think of things you already bought in previous years. If you’re really stuck, try thinking of giving an experience instead of a wrapped gift. It could be something you do together or something they can do on their own. There are all sorts of things to try. It could be a course to learn how to make something, an adventurous day out or something more sedate.

Extend Your Plans

Since Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday in 2016, it’s the perfect opportunity to have a weekend-long celebration. Start on Friday evening with a dinner and then spend the weekend doing lots of things together. You could carry on until Monday morning when you could have breakfast in bed before going to work. You could even go away for the weekend and enjoy some time away from home. Even if you don’t spend all your time together, you could at least have a day.

Planning the perfect Valentine’s Day can take time, so start now to make sure you get it right. And remember that it’s for both of you to enjoy.

How do you celebrate?

This post contains affiliate links, thank you for supporting this blog!

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Moving Forward | ‘Cause I’ve Still Got a Lot of Fight Left in Me

January 4, 2016 by Angie 19 Comments

12:01AM, 1/1/2016: Happy new year! I hope 2016 is better for you. I’m letting go now.

For me, the new year started out sickly and heartbroken, but surrounded by good friends and a loving pup. It’s hard to be sad with a room full of wonderful people who care about you, but it’s hard to be happy at a party when the New Years text you sent was dismissing a relationship you’d wanted badly for the last eight months. But I smiled, I had another beer, and I hugged my friends goodbye as they departed into the darkness of the morning that was a new year begun.

Deep down I’d known all along that this goal of January 1st would be the end of us and this relationship scenario I’d managed to make up in my head over the months of waiting for him to be ready. Yet, with the dreamers heart I’ve been given, I’d hoped beyond hope that somehow he’d rally and in the last few days or hours before the clock struck twelve on another three-sixty-five, he’d show up at my door ready for something real with me.

But he didn’t. In fact, in the week leading up to New Years Eve I hadn’t even heard from him once. I hadn’t texted him during that time either. By this point I’d grown incredibly weary of being the lone instigator and I had no more energy to try and convince him that I was worth taking the risk. After that many months my heart was battered and the rest of me exhausted, there was nothing more I could do but let it be and hope he’d come to me-and he didn’t.

He texted a Happy New Year in return and apologized for the way things went down, and then I fell apart. It seemed to easy. How could something that was such a huge decision and heartache for me seem so easy for him? He said it wasn’t, he didn’t want to let go but he couldn’t blame me for what was his fault-he knew that if he let it be over, it would end, and he let it anyway. He had no excuse, and he hated it, but he accepted that responsibility.

It didn’t make it any easier. I still don’t want to let go, even after all of this time and understanding that I can’t go on like that anymore… I still want him. But he’s still not ready for it, even if he wants it badly. Even if we both want it badly.

Thinking over everything that happened and that conversation as I said goodbye to what I’d wanted so badly; I think he wanted me to end it so he wouldn’t have to be ready. I wonder if he’s just so scared, and so not ready for something, that it was easier for him to pass the power to me. That way he doesn’t have to be ready, and he can allow himself to beat himself up for losing me… I can’t say for sure that is what it is, but it seems likely… And it makes me sad… But, it is what it is. I can’t change it.

All I can do now is move on with my life and hope that if it’s meant to be, one day we’ll find our ways back, and if it’s not, we’ll heal and move forward. I don’t know what to hope for right now, and perhaps I shouldn’t worry about either. Right now I need to do a little healing, and work on moving on, and hope that everything is as it should be.

I think that’s all we can do when we come to a crossroads like this. Life hands us a path we didn’t expect, or didn’t want even if we did expect it, and we’re left to decide whether we get hung up on that change or move forward. A new year is the perfect time to move forward. A new year offers us the perfect inspiration and momentum to start fresh and try another path.

Here’s to a new year, new paths, and a little healing.

Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word can make a heart open
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say, wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream out loud tonight, can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on, starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep, everybody’s worried about me
In too deep, say I’m in too deep
It’s been two years, I miss my home, there’s a fire burning in my bones
I still believe, yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say, wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream out loud tonight, can you hear my voice this time?

Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word can make a heart open
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion

No I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

-Rachel Platton, Fight Song

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

How to Cope with Being Single During the Holidays

December 21, 2015 by Angie 31 Comments

There is always a certain sadness that laces around the edges of the holiday season when you’re alone and don’t want to be. No matter how much time you spend with friends and family, or how excited you are to celebrate each coming holiday, being single during the holidays lingers there in the back of your mind. How nice would it be to spend time with a significant other during this time? Wouldn’t it be lovely to curl up by a warm fire and snuggle with someone that makes your stomach do somersaults and your heart go pitter patter? To sing along to crooner’s Christmas albums with someone that made you feel as warm and cozy on the inside as a steaming mug of cocoa does as you sip it? It would-and knowing it would seems to add a little touch of longing and heartache, even during the happiest of times. At least it does for me.

Unfortunately about 90% of the holidays in my adult life have been celebrated single, and much as I would have liked to have someone there (and still would), I’ve learned to cope. Many of you have followed my dating adventures, and years like this year-where I’m single but still longing for someone, are even harder.

What’s even worse than being single during the holidays while wanting someone, is navigating family events where you inevitably get questions like “Are you seeing someone?” or “When will you be getting married/having kids/settling down” etc… Those are rough, and I feel like just responding with “Did you really just ask that?” or maybe even “Here’s my card, you can read all about it on my blog.” Actually, that second one is a great idea-I’ll have to keep that in mind. Where did I pack away my business cards? Hmmm…

So, I thought I’d pull from my personal experience and offer some tips for those of you who may also be experiencing this situation.

Tips for Enjoying Being Single During the Holidays

Throw a Party

Personally, I’ve heard “you’re not alone, you’ve got me” a hundred times when lamenting the fact that I’m “alone” during the holidays. While it’s very much appreciated that I have the love of friends and family, it’s just not the same. I want one person that is my person, someone just for me, to love me and hold me in front of the Christmas lights.

However, even though it’s not the same, filling my home with friends and family definitely helps. There’s less time to think about how you’d like to be snuggled up in bed with a lover when you’re busy planning, cleaning, decorating, and then celebrating with a few of your favorite people. I threw a party Saturday night, and I’ll have to say I didn’t think about the dude I miss once throughout the party-there was just so much to be distracted with and to enjoy. It was wonderful.

Enjoy Making the Decisions

While it’s nice to have a partner in crime, it’s also nice to just have things be the way you want them to be. You get to choose how the tree is decorated, what food you munch on, which Christmas movie to Netflix, etc. There’s a certain beauty in being able to call all the shots and only focus on what you want and need. Why not enjoy that now? Chances are in the future you’ll meet someone and your holiday with that person will be full of compromise, but for now-you don’t have to budge on a darn thing. It’s all about you baby!

Take Yourself on a Date

If you’re single you’re essentially dating yourself, so why not treat yourself like you’d expect a significant other to treat you? Take yourself out for dinner. I know, it sounds scary doing something like that all for yourself, but there’s something extremely empowering about it too. Not ready to face a restaurant alone? Try a movie, it’s dark and people are focusing on that not you. Even still, if you want to avoid public, take a drive up the canyon to view the city lights from a higher vantage point or go for a walk through the lights at a park. Marvel in how lovely it is to be alive and in a position to love yourself.

Buy Yourself a Holiday Gift

That’s right-splurge on yourself. Is there something you’ve been putting off buying for a little while? It’s time to treat yourself. You’d hope your partner would give you something meaningful, so if you’re your own partner, do it! Go pick up something that makes you feel sexy and alive, like some cute lingerie (hey, all you need is to sit and have a cozy glass of wine in a silk nightie by yourself-it’s a great feeling) or a nice bottle of wine. Buy yourself something to further growth in the upcoming year-maybe an eCourse, a vacation, or some tools to build your blog/business online. Just get something that helps you feel special and empowered.

Skip the Romantic Comedies

Skip the romantic comedies or Lifetime Christmas specials this holiday season and opt for the less lovey holiday films. You don’t need to be watching all that kissing under the mistletoe and thinking about how much you want it-instead opt for some classic holiday movies or movies about strong independent women (or men if you’re a man).

Here are some of my recommendations. A few of them have a bit of romance, but they don’t focus on it.

Heartwarming Christmas Movies:

Funny Christmas Movies:

Scary Christmas Movies:

Bake and Decorate Cookies

Go ahead and make up a batch of delicious holiday cookies and decorate them. Share them with your neighbors and/or friends or eat them all yourself-we won’t judge.

Whatever you do this holiday season, remember that you are awesome and try to enjoy your own company.

Happy Holidays!

Check out this wonderful sponsor:

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Say That Our Love Ain’t Water Under the Bridge

December 14, 2015 by Angie 108 Comments

The day had been exhausting. I’d spent the day with a couple of my favorite coworkers designing a scene and setting it up for a charity Santa event at my work, so while it was rewarding, it was also tiring. Traffic was awful. It was rush hour, so to keep myself calm I’d put on my audio book and I’d gotten off the freeway an exit earlier. Traffic was still bad as I made my way up 33rd south. I was hitting every traffic light, but it was okay as I was accurately engulfed in the tale being read to me over my car speakers.

I was listening to After You by Jojo Moyes. I’d read Before You in less than a day, and I’d cried my way through the entirety of that book-so I had already expected After You to be a real tear-jerker as it was a follow up and meant to cover the main character’s grief. However, as of yet, I hadn’t felt overwhelmingly sad or had any big emotional reactions. Then, as I sat there in traffic listening to the British accent lilt on about two characters coming together physically, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

It wasn’t even a sad part. It was a lovely part about two people who’d been flirting coming together while the rain fell outside and the chickens clucked away outside the window. She described how they showed their scars to each other, and then how they touched each other and began to make love-and I cried.

I cried because I miss it. More than anything I miss touching someone-having their hands on me-sharing that kind of intimacy. It’s not only that I miss… At this point I couldn’t go out and just be intimate with anyone and have that need fulfilled-I miss him. I miss specific hands on me-hands I haven’t been able to get over just yet. Hands I’m not sure I’ll ever get over entirely, no matter where life takes me, and what other hands find their way to my body.

There’s a kind of heaviness that comes with accepting that something you want badly may just never be. The weight comes from realizing that no matter how much you accept it, or how far you move on, there may always be some small part of you deep inside that never fully releases it. A part that never fully lets go of the “what ifs” and the “could’ve beens.” It’s pushes down on you, right in the center of your chest, and it fills your stomach with what feels like a gut full of dirt and rocks-weighted, but substance-free.

Once, I saw one of those Facebook quote images that gets passed around share to share, showing up on the wall of ladies who’ve had their hearts broken a time or two. It said something to the effect of “heartache feels like all those butterflies you once felt have died.” It’s true. What once felt like a flurry of emotion and excitement stuttering around inside of your chest now feels like a graveyard echoing the fear that you may never feel like that again. It’s like all the butterflies just died…

What if you never meet another person that makes you feel that rush again? What if the possible feelings for and from others in the future pale in comparison? What if no one’s hands ever quite feel the same as his hands did?

Logically I know it is ridiculous to feel that way. I’ve felt like that before, and I’ve always moved on from it regardless. The last person’s hands were forgotten once the next one’s fingers traced the soft outline of my collarbone. Their kiss was a distant memory as soon as I tasted the next set of lips… It happens. We move forward. Our hearts are remarkably healable… A few scars left here and there, always a small reminder of what once was, but the majority remains in tact and open to more love-as long as we let it. We know we’ll move on if the time comes, but we hope we don’t have to.

I still hope I don’t have to.

If you’re not the one for me, then how come I can bring you to your knees?
If you’re not the one for me, why do I hate the idea of being free?
And if I’m not the one for you, you’ve gotta stop holding me the way you do
Oh and if I’m not the one for you, why have we been through what we have been through?

It’s so cold out here in your wilderness
I want you to be my keeper, but not if you are so reckless

[Chorus]
If you’re going to let me down, let me down gently, don’t pretend that you don’t want me
Our love ain’t water under the bridge
If you’re going to let me down, let me down gently, don’t pretend that you don’t want me
Our love ain’t water under the bridge
Oooh, say that our love ain’t water under the bridge

Oh what are you waiting for? You never seem to make it through the door
And who are you hiding from? It ain’t no life to live like you’re on the run
Have I ever asked for much? The only thing that I want is your love

[Chorus]

It’s so cold in your wilderness
I want you to be my but not if you are so reckless

[Chorus]

Oooh, say that our love ain’t water under the bridge
Say that our love ain’t water under the bridge

Water Under the Bridge by Adele, from the album 25

On another note, I’ve listened to the entirety of this new Adele album on repeat like twenty times now… I’m not even exaggerating. It’s so good. I’m going to keep up the Musical Mondays and deep thoughtful posts that go with them, even if I’m not hosting the link-up anymore. If you’d like to join, please do, just leave your link in the comments. &hearts;

Check out this remarkable sponsor:

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m learning to love myself.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m facing my fears.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I will live as brightly as possible.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m feeling strong and independent.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I’m finally learning how to be loved in the right way.

Today I Am Thirty

…And I am so excited for this upcoming journey.

Stay Positive

Sort the Practicalities

Give Yourself Time

Seek Help

How have you dealt with a broken heart?

Luke vs. Chrisopher

But What Does That Say About Me?

What do you think? Luke or Christopher?

Make Your Own Romance

Valentine’s Day Activity

Getting the Perfect Gift

Extend Your Plans

How do you celebrate?

Tips for Enjoying Being Single During the Holidays

Throw a Party

Enjoy Making the Decisions

Take Yourself on a Date

Buy Yourself a Holiday Gift

Skip the Romantic Comedies

Heartwarming Christmas Movies:

Funny Christmas Movies:

Scary Christmas Movies:

Bake and Decorate Cookies

Happy Holidays!

What do you think?
Luke or Christopher?