Sometimes I think my heart is too big. Too big for it’s allowed to do, too big for the people I love, and even maybe too big for me. All I want to do is be able to open myself up to loving without the aching, but that seems impossible. I love with everything I have and then some-I love until it hurts, and hurt it does. Why can’t I just love without letting it tear me apart from the chest out?
I love everyone. I love my friends, my family, perfect strangers, and the men I date-whether I’m “in love” with them or not, I love them all a little, to varying levels. All of these loves hurt sometimes, that’s just part of life and it’s something you come to expect from the world. There are wars, there are mistakes, and there is so much room for error. We’re all just human after all. We’re all just hurting in some way or another. We’re all damaged and sometimes we take that damage out on other people, sometimes we sit alone in our homes and swim in our own damage, and sometimes we work on our damage. Life is a cycle, we’ve all been beaten and bruised, and we all have to accept that in one another also.
Most of the time, I love that I love everyone and feel like good about loving and continuing to love even when I’m not loved back. It just keeps going. This heart of mine keeps beating, and I just keep on loving. Sometimes though, I wish I could love just a little less. I wish I could hold onto some of that love for myself instead of giving it all away… Instead of pouring it into the people I want to pour it into me… Because they’re not always capable of filling me up as I try to fill them.
And that’s okay. You can’t go around loving and expect everyone to just love you back. You have to give without expecting to receive, and you have to accept people for who they are and what they’re capable of.
But sometimes? Sometimes it’s hard. It’s especially hard when you don’t save a little of your love for yourself. I’d really like to learn to save some love for myself so that when I run into those moments where someone can’t give me the love back I’ll be okay. I’d like to be able to focus on other things, and enjoy life without torturing myself wondering why they can’t (or won’t) love me back.
I’m going to go ahead and end here by admitting that I may have already had two glasses of wine and listened to this song three times while I cried. MAY. Okay, I did. This song just resonates with me, as most of Mary Lambert’s songs do.