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I Don’t Want to Fall Another Moment Into Your Gravity

October 26, 2015 by Angie 43 Comments

I think, when it comes to dating and relationships, one of the hardest things I will ever have to do is walk away from someone I care about so deeply knowing that they care about me as well. Over the years I’ve grown more than used to walking away from people who don’t care about me. It’s become a skill to know when you’re no longer wanted and hit the road, and it’s actually become somewhat easy to pick up and head out when you know that they can’t love you like you could love them, or that they don’t or won’t love you at all.

But someone who does potentially have those kind of feelings for you in return for yours? How do you walk away from that one without more than a little pain and struggle? You don’t-not easily anyway. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t walk away from it if it’s not good for you or not working, because if the situation isn’t right and walking away is necessary you have to find the strength to do it in spite of whatever feelings are there.

Some of you know that I’ve had this on again off again thing for a while now, and that it’s caused me a great deal of introspection and some heartache. In a nutshell, the situation is that I started dating this person in my life and while neither of us had much intention of getting seriously involved, we both developed strong feelings for each other that meant it had to be more than the original plan. However, he’s currently in this situation that (he feels) prevents him from getting too serious at the moment, and while he has the power to change the situation, he hasn’t been able to make himself do so. While he makes me feel amazing in most instances, the constant back and forth of right person wrong time has been exhausting.

Last week I finally told Yoshi that I can’t do it anymore. We’d gotten talking again about how he made me his goal for the rest of this year, how he was going to do whatever he could to get back to me before the end of the year-and I’d gotten sucked back in again. In spite of all my proclamations that I wasn’t waiting for him-I was waiting. I just wanted him so damned bad, and when you want someone like that it’s hard to imagine that there’s someone else out there you can want as much as that, so moving on feels both unlikely and useless.

Then after another conversation where he sounded like he was just accepting his current living situation with no goal of ever changing it, even though I feel like he has all the capability of changing it and just wont, I quit. I told him that while I still care deeply for him and really hope he accomplishes his goal of making his way back to me soon-I’m done waiting. I’m done hoping. I’m done discussing it. It was then that I made our new rules-we can still be friends but we’re no longer allowed to talk about sex, his current living situation, or any possibility of a future together.

Well, me being me, I immediately wanted to break these rules the next day… I can’t help it-I’m a talker-I have to talk things to death before I’m done with them. He, however, stuck to the rules and refused to even respond to me on those topics, which of course made me angry. How could it be so easy for him to just let it go? Well, it’s not, and I know that… He still wants me, he’s just better at following the rules that I set-how can I get mad at him for doing exactly what I told him to do? I can’t. But I did. Why? Because I don’t know how else to get over him.

Sometimes you have to get mad to move on. You have to let that anger fuel you in a direction that is any other direction but backwards. I keep going backwards, falling back into him and my desire for a future we may never in reality achieve. It’s time now to pick up my feet, however weighted they may be, and walk forward without carrying this “what if” bag with me. That bag is too heavy, and all it does is weigh me down. If he wants, he can pick up that bag and meet me somewhere in the future, but for now I have to move on without it-as if it doesn’t and will not ever exist.

So I am. This isn’t a case of “take some time for yourself to move on” because all I’ve had is time for myself. I’ve been single for most of my life. I already know how to love myself and be alone with myself-I’m good at that. Too good at that. This time I need to actually move on and try meeting someone new, whether I meet someone even better that makes me forget how much I want him, or whether I meet someone who I have some fun with in the meantime, who knows… All I know is that I need to move on and actually date other people.

Here goes nothing…

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long
But no matter what I say or do, I still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be, I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me, and all over me…

Oh you loved me ’cause I’m fragile, but I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be, I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me, and all over me…

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see that you’re everything that I think I need here on the ground
But you’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go
But one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down…
You’re keeping me down, yeah

But you’re on to me, you’re on to me, and all over

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long

Angie

Angie is a coffee-fueled writer, artist-wanna-be, and over-worker who currently resides in a tiny fixer-upper near Salt Lake City with her boyfriend and 70lb rescue pittie. She works full time in Customer Service/Computers, part-time in retail and fashion, goes to school part-time on and off, maintains this and another couple of blogs, as well as volunteers with rescue dogs. In her free time, what little of it there is, she likes to read, play nerd games, craft and create art, and spend time with all of the awesome people in her life.

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Love Into the Light | Rethinking Our Responses & How They Affect Others

October 19, 2015 by Angie 26 Comments

This is a post that’s been circling in my brain for a really long time, and it wasn’t until Kesha’s song Love Into the Light (below) came up on my playlist the other day that I finally was able to form some kind of coherent post regarding it.

Every day on social media you see people talking about their lives and sharing things they love. For every post about something someone loves, there are equal amounts of posts about the things that people don’t love, and even more comments bashing on people for liking the things they do. I’m not talking about disagreeing, disagreeing is fine-everyone is entitled to their opinions. I’m talking about flat out bashing someone because they like something, even when it has nothing to do with you.

For example, someone posts something they’re into-maybe it’s a video game, a nerdy TV show, or a certain style-and then you see the flood of comments saying things like “Ew, I can’t believe you like that” or “I wish I could be easily entertained by stupid shit like that.” Or, you just see people posting things like “People who do this [insert totally harmless thing] are stupid” memes and statuses. Why? Why do you have to lash out at something that has nothing to do with you? So what if that person watches a silly TV show that you don’t like? Talk about what you like, instead of talking about how people like something you don’t.

The same thing can be said for using the terms “hipster” or “basic bitch” for people who like things. People get called a hipster because they eat at a hole in the wall restaurant, grow a beard, or wear flannel… Ladies get called basic bitches for wearing leggings, enjoying Fall, and drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Maybe, just maybe, they like those things. Isn’t it okay to like things without people making up a name to be used derogatorily for you?

Don’t get me wrong, I like to joke about these things, mostly just about myself-calling myself a basic bitch for buying something pumpkin spice… Or when my friend calls me a hipster for something and then laughs about all the “hipster-esque” things he does. We don’t have to take everything so seriously, but what you joke about with your friends (who know you are joking and love you anyway) isn’t always appropriate for other people you interact with. I wouldn’t go out and call some girl a basic bitch or a hipster based on her clothing with any kind of seriousness or malice. I don’t roll that way-because why would I want to bring someone down if they might be feeling good about themselves. Maybe she feels comfortable in those boots, and maybe those leggings make her feel like her legs look good-making fun of her for her confidence just makes you an asshole-no matter if she’s a size 2 or a size 26.

The sad thing is that it’s so common for this kind of reaction, that even those of us who are genuinely good people who actually want to build people up also catch ourselves reacting that way sometimes. Maybe it’s time to start rethinking how we react first.

So what if all she does is post pictures of her kids? So what if all he wants to talk about is Star Trek/Walking Dead/AHS/My Little Pony? So what if so-and-so posts a lot of selfies or pictures of their dinner? What if that person checks in from the gym every day? Get over it. It has nothing to do with you, and it doesn’t hurt or involve you in any way.

You know what you can do? Scroll on by. Keep it to yourself. It may come as a shock, but you don’t have to take time out of your day to try and ruin someone else’s, and you don’t have to say every thought that comes into your head.

Shouldn’t we instead be focusing on the places and ways we can improve someone’s day and life? Because let’s face it, life is difficult and every single one of us has problems we’re dealing with-whether it’s health, relationships, money, car issues, or something else. Some of us talk about them out loud in hopes of finding support, and some of us keep them to ourselves and opt for sharing silly comics or posts about the things we love in order to relieve some of the stress. None of us want our day to get worse than it already may be, so why do so many try to make that happen for others?

As of right now, I’m making a more conscious effort to think about what I say and how it will affect others before I say it.

I’m allowed to disagree with someone and I’m allowed to state it if I need to. When it comes to things that directly affect me or the people I love, like laws or injustices, I’m going to express my disagreement-but in a calm and rational way. There’s no need to call names, insult, or yell and scream at people-even in those circumstances-because you don’t end up looking like the smart one when you act that way. No one’s opinion is easily swayed when they’re being made to feel like they’re less than or like you feel like you’re smarter than them.

Also, I’m allowed to not like the same things as other people. Sure, you love that popular show and I just don’t get it, but do I need to say something about that? Nope. Do I need to think less of you for liking it? Not at all, and even if I did-do I need to express that and try and hurt your feelings? Definitely not.

Basically my point is this-if it has nothing to do with you and it doesn’t hurt anyone, stay out of it. Live and let live.

While we’re talking about it, a person’s weight, the way they dress, the food they like, the medication they’re on, the god they believe in or don’t believe in, etc… None of it has anything to do with you and if they wanted your opinion or “concern” they’d ask.

Today for Musical Mondays I had to choose the song Love Into the Light by Kesha. It’s off her newer album Warrior (which I love) and I think it goes along with this post perfectly. Isn’t it time to love into the light? I think so. Thanks Kesha.

I also think I’m going to stop doing the link-up for Musical Mondays since it only gets a few entries a month. BUT if you write a Musical Mondays post leave a link in the comments and I’d be happy to stop by and say hello. 🙂

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Because Falling Fills My Memory…

October 12, 2015 by Angie 17 Comments

I’m over it. The words were out before there was time to think about whether or not they were true. Truthfully, I didn’t know if they were true, but I did know that I didn’t want to have the same conversation for the hundredth time. You know, the conversation that starts with him telling me how badly he wants me, but that it’s complicated, and ends with an acceptance of yes, you want me, but not bad enough to do anything about it.

The truth is, as soon as the words left me and my fingers hit the tiny green send button on the screen, a well of emotion swelled up inside of me, informing me that I was no where near over it. Somehow, I thought that just saying that I was over it would make it so-or at least allow us to avoid our default back and forth on why we both want each other but can’t be together right now. In all honesty, I have grown extremely weary of this discussion that seems to go around and around and around, yet always brings us back to square one. However, every time I try to avoid the conversation I come off as callous or cold.

I don’t feel callous or cold… I feel a whole world of emotion, most of it very heated, and none of these feelings leave me feeling detached from the situation in any way… I have no desire to hurt him with my words, and yet somehow I do. At these times, he’s always quick to point out that it’s on him, explaining that it’s his own fault we’re even in this situation, and that maybe he doesn’t have a right to feel sad about me moving on so quickly. I don’t know how he can feel like I’m moving on so quickly when I’ve been at this for nearly six months and I’m still trudging through the mud of deciding whether to hold on or to let go. I’m not stuck here, but I’m moving at a snails pace, or so it seems to me.

The truth is, he’s allowed to feel that way, and honestly I think I’d be kind of bummed if he was anything but sad about me moving on… He’s allowed to feel any damn way he feels. We’re all allowed to feel the ways we do, and we shouldn’t have to feel guilty for feeling it-whether that’s angry or sad-even if a situation is our fault. Just feel something… Anything… Feeling is an important part of this road we’re all on, whether we’re traveling together or alone.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes.

We’re all just trying our damnedest to get by in this great big world, a world that while filled with so much good, is also filled with scary and confusing things. That’s life. That’s being an adult. That’s trying to navigating things that can’t be navigated because they’re lodged so deeply into the deepest depths of the heart.

A heart that’s filled with infinite twists and turns that send you backtracking if you get too close or it gets too frightening.

A heart that changes like the weather without ever really changing at all.

It doesn’t make sense, but then when it comes to love, and feelings, and heartbreak-what does? Not much, if you ask me, but we all just keep coming back like moths to a flame. We can’t stay away-we need it-and would we really want to stay away if we could? I doubt it. Feeling the temporary joy and pain is immensely preferable to feeling numb and empty.

So return we will. We’ll pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and force ourselves back into the caverns of human emotion with hope that one of the chambers we venture down will lead to the center-a place filled with warmth and light… Or so we’ve been told.

I’ll admit at this point in the post that it did not go anywhere near where I assumed it would when I started writing, but sometimes when I’m letting myself poor raw thoughts onto the page like this, it rarely does. This is one-hundred percent why blogging can be therapeutic. I started this post wanting to talk about how I’m not over him and how it still hurts sometimes, and ended up completely forgiving him right here at word 729. Don’t get me wrong, forgiving isn’t excusing… I still feel that if he wanted me badly enough he’d do something to make it happen, and since he’s not doing anything to move towards that goal… Well, all I know is that I can’t stay here in this place hoping for a move to finally be made.

The forgiveness though… In the forgiveness I’ve found right here on this page there is something miraculous… A sort of release. Will this be the end of wanting? No. Will it be the end of hurting for that want? Unlikely… But does it feel easier? A little bit… I’ll take “a little easier”. I’ll take being able to look at him and remember that he’s only human and he’s trying to make his way through all of these winding and misleading roads of emotion… Just like me. Our paths are unique. The way we travel those paths may be different, but we are the same inside, and it’s all going to be okay…

Whatever you want
Whatever you’re needing
Whatever you feel
I’ll bring it all back around
I promise you this
I promise I’m bleeding
Take it easy on me now
Take it easy on me now

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Kiss me, oh kiss me, under the covers
Hide from the world now, for we feel like no others
And I’m sorry, so sorry, that I put you through all this
But I hope now that you see that I’ve tasted every tear on your lips
That I’ve tasted every tear on your lips

Ask me your questions
I can give you no answers
I’m turning the tables
You’ve had too many chances
I promise you one thing
I’ll never walk away with hope to watch you fall
Because falling fills my memories

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Don’t walk away and watch me fall
Don’t walk away and watch us both fall down
I wont walk away and watch you fall, oh

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Reluctant Readers Make Reluctant Lovers + Page à Vu Giveaway

October 5, 2015 by Angie 2 Comments

Do we have any book lovers in the house? Oh I know I do… I know you crazy fools are out there and I LOVE you for it. Well GUESS WHAT?!? Let me tell you a story…

Once upon a time there was a blogger named Angie, and she blogged here at My So-Called Chaos. Now, Angie made lots of fantastic bloggy buddies out there and one day, one of the fairest of them all reached out to her for assistance. That blogger was the lovely damsel Kenzie from Chasing My Extraordinary. You see, Kenzie was a book-a-holic and she knew her good friend Angie was, and when the idea struck her to start a blog dedicated solely to books she knew just who to email. Then the two book nerds decided to add a third host, and knowing that host’s proclivity for all things bookish-Beth from Printcess became the third partner.

And thus was born…

That’s right, Page à Vu, your new favorite blog for all things bookish! And to celebrate, the three lasses decided to host a giveaway. A BOOK GIVEAWAY. Duh!

I’ve read Yates and Hemingway
Maybe in our time it’s liars in love
Then you call out my name like lines from a page
Feel my sins washed away, feels like I’ve been saved
I don’t wanna die heartless in the heartland

Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
So baby I’m yours

I’ve read Joyce, I played Heller’s games
No matter your age the portrait’s the same
Yeah, no matter the place the plots never change
Grow old in a flash of face, lust is a young man’s game
I don’t wanna die heartless in the heartland

Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
So baby I’m yours, baby I’m yours

Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
Reluctant readers make reluctant lovers
So baby I’m yours, baby I’m yours, baby I’m yours

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Musical Mondays | And if You Get Low Just Call Me Whenever…

September 28, 2015 by Angie 8 Comments

Anyone who’s been following my blog or Musical Mondays for the last few weeks will know I’ve been feeling pretty blue. Of course, I let myself get down over a boy and it hasn’t been pretty. Not even a little bit. The one thing you always forget when you’re at the bottom of the depression well is the other people in your life that really make a difference, and sometimes something as little as that can make the whole difference.

I was lucky enough to have some awesome friends who came down for a girls two weekends ago because they knew how low I was feeling, and for that entire weekend with them I was good. I had the love of two mighty fine friends and we had such a great discussion we never even turned on the TV or music or anything-it was intense, and wonderful. However, when they were gone, I fell right back into the depression well again-a cycle I was all too ready to perpetuate throughout the week every time I talked to the guy who spurred this on anyway.

But then on Tuesday the following week, a day which ended up being particularly terrible due to the battery going out in my car and a whole lot of stress, the receptionist at my office showed up with a festive Fall flower arrangement (pictured above) in my cubicle at work. She showed up just as I was getting frustrated during another conversation with Yoshi, and I looked at her like she was crazy. I thought for sure she had the wrong desk, until I saw my name neatly typed out on the little card in the flower arrangement.

I opened it up and found a little note that said:

“Dearest Angie, you are so very loved, admired, and cherished. Don’t ever forget it! Birches forever! Love, Heather and Kristina“

I was so touched. I’ve never been sent flowers before, let alone to work, and here were the two best girls I know sending me the most beautiful bouquet I’d ever seen. I immediately texted them to voice my fake lecture about them spending money on me, and then to genuinely thank them for thinking of me and doing something so wonderful that it almost made me cry. Heather then told me that the martini glass the flowers came in was my new pimp cup, and she expected to see me using it the next time we had a girls night.

Something about this stunning gesture, that was anything but simple, really did something for me. Seeing those flowers snapped me out of the weird funk I was in, and since then I’ve been good. I haven’t cried, I haven’t obsessed about the situation with Yoshi, and the flowers look and smell so beautiful in my house they cheer me up daily. They really did pull me up when I was so very low, and I am reminded how grateful I am to call these two amazing women my soul sisters.

This weeks song:
Oath
by Cher Lloyd ft. Becky G

Yo, my best friend best friend to the very end
‘Cause best friends best friends don’t have to pretend
You need a hand and I’m right there beside you
You in the dark, I’ll be the bright light to guide you

Remember the time time times sneakin’ out the house
All of the time time times that you had your doubts
And don’t forget all the trouble we got into
We got something you can’t undo, do

[Chorus]
Laughing so damn hard, crashed your dad’s new car
All the scars we shared
I Promise, I swear
Wherever you go just always remember
That you’ve got a home for now and forever
And if you get low just call me whenever
This is my oath to you
Wherever you go, just always remember
You’re never alone, we’re birds of a feather
And we’ll never change no matter the weather
This is my oath to you

I know I drive you crazy, hm sometimes
I know I call you lazy, and that’s most times
But you complete me and that’s no lie
You are my tuxedo and I’m your bow tie

We in the car sing sing singing our song
Walk in the club and tear it down like we’re king kong
And in my eyes you can do do no wrong
You got a best friend sing sing along

[Chorus]

Ooh, I’ll never let you go
Ooh, whoa, this is my oath to you
Ooh, just thought that you should know
Oooh, whoa, this is my oath to you
Yooouuuu

[Chorus]

You should know, you should know, you should know yeah
This is my oath to you
We’re birds of a feather
This is my oath to you

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

I Confess That I’m Only Holding on by a Thin Thin Thread

September 21, 2015 by Angie 31 Comments

A few months ago I told my brother that breakups get easier the older you get and the more you go through. It’s not true. I like to convince myself that they get easier, but they don’t. Maybe they even get harder? Maybe it just depends on the situation. I’m not coping well with this one-my heart hurts infinitely more than I expected and I’m in a really low place.

I’ve lost faith that Yoshi is going to get his complication taken care of in any kind of reasonable time frame, so I’m giving up on us, but losing faith doesn’t seem to equal losing desire. I still want him so badly. When I think about him I ache for him, and then I ache because I can’t have him, and then I fall further into this well of depression over it.

It’s a strange situation because usually when you break up with someone you don’t see them again. You never have the chance to say “you hurt me and I feel like an idiot for hanging on so long…” but in this case I do. I’ve said those things. I’ve gotten responses to those things. It doesn’t make it any better. It still hurts.

Our conversations go something like this:

Me: I really miss you, and this is really hard on me but I need to let go.
Him: I really miss you too. I feel selfish because I want you to not let go all the way, I want us to have a chance in the future, but I also understand if you need to. I don’t want you to hang on forever and keep hurting.
Me: I’m trying to give up on you. It’s just difficult.
Him: I am so sorry for putting you through this.
Me: That’s ridiculous. Stop being sorry. You have the power to change all of this. If you’re sorry, or if I mattered enough, you’d fix the situation!
Him: It’s not about mattering enough, you do matter, it’s just not black and white.
Me: It is. If I mattered enough, or if you wanted me enough, you’d get your shit together.
Him: I’m trying. It’s just slower than you need, and I know I’m screwing this all up and it hurts.
Me: You are screwing it up. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.
Him: I miss you already. I think about you all the time, but I just keep messing it up and I can’t seem to stop and it kills me to think about it. I’m a huge idiot.
Me: You are a huge idiot. Just fix it! Sorry, I’ll stop bringing this up.
Him: Don’t be sorry, I really understand, I do-you only want what is best for me. You are the best for me, but I keep screwing it up. I’m so sorry.

And so it goes, round and round and round again… I know everything he’s saying is legitimate. It’s the way he thinks and the way he feels, and none of it is false-our all honesty policy has carried on well. It still doesn’t stop me from wanting to shout at him that he’s screwing all of this up-that he could have everything he ever wanted. But he knows that. It’s the strangest thing to know that he knows that he’s making the biggest mistake, yet he can’t seem to stop making the mistake? What. The. Hell?

Yet, all of this-watching him be self destructive and still not letting us have what we both want-and I still want him. It hasn’t stopped or eased at all. If he got his life in order tomorrow and texted me I’d be one hundred percent on board.

But I need to give up on it. I need to move forward without him, and acknowledging that is killing me a little.

This week’s song
Sad
by Maroon 5

Man it’s been a long day
Stuck thinking about it driving on the freeway
Wonderin’ if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, sad

Man it’s been a long night
Just sittin’ here trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

So sad, so sad

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

‘Cause I Just Can’t Seem to Shake, Wake, Break it, or Quit You

September 14, 2015 by Angie 33 Comments

Sometimes it feels like I’m just caught in these different cycles. There are a few of them, smaller ones within bigger ones, but I keep coming back to the same point-this same square one-when it comes to my heart. The bigger cycle being that I’m increasingly unable to meet/date/fall for anyone who is even capable of having a meaningful relationship. I started logging into a dating site again (just one, it’s all I can handle-baby steps, right?) and hey-surprise! I still hate it.

Hating the idea of starting dating again does not lend itself well to the smaller cycle I’m stuck in when it comes to Yoshi. One minute I’m feeling strong and ready to move on and meet someone else, and then the next minute we get to talking and I get my hopes up for something with him again. Every time I get my hopes up they end up crashing and burning again. It seems like no matter how much he wants me, he just can’t seem to see his way through to putting himself in a position to have me. But since he wants me, he occasionally reminds me of how he hopes we’ll find our way together in the future, and then I start pinning hope to it again. I’ve got to stop doing that.

For example, last week we ended up having a great talk about how much we missed each other. Then he received some good news about the house he’s buying and how manageable his payments will be and he mentioned how exciting this was because it makes it easier to remove the “complication” from the picture. It takes a bit of stress off of him. Of course this piece of news pushed my optimism into full gear… Yay! He’s actually going to remove the complication! But then those prospects plummeted when he again clarified that it might not be right away.

Somehow I end up in these big conversations with him where I let myself get let down. He’s not changing, yet I keep trying to convince myself that something will-and then I let myself drop again. What I really need to do is actually move on. I need to squash all of the hope and stop thinking in a “for now” or a “someday” mentality. I need to start dating and thinking as if he and I will never have a chance together, because it looks far more likely that the situation will indeed go that direction.

The hard part is that I don’t want the door closed completely-I mean if he ever catches up and gets his shit together I’d really like a chance at it… But the problem is that on some level I need to close the door-at least for myself-because leaving the door open even just a bit sees me stepping through it every chance I get. It’s like I’m cracking the door so he can let me know when he wants to walk through it, but I keep poking my head through the door and asking if he’s ready yet. It’s not going to work like that. It doesn’t work like that.

I need to close the door, and if he ever comes around to it-he can knock.

This week’s song:
Quit You
by Tristan Prettyman

Okay so maybe we’re not meant to be
And the thing I feel is just a comic thing
But I never loved the way I loved you
And I don’t think my heart has ever been so true
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

I cannot sleep when it’s your lovin’ I miss
You’re like a fever that I’m comin’ down with
You said a lot, but I never heard no
You said to jump, but I never let go
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

What will it take to make you see
If only you would just choose me
I’d love you to the day I died
And for that I’d be satisfied
I’d be satisfied

While it’d be easier if you were just some guy
From some other town who didn’t live close by
But you got me good and I can’t quit now
Yeah I’m hooked on you and I’m freaking out
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

‘Cause I just can’t, just can’t, seem to, seem to
I just can’t, just can’t, seem to, seem to
I just can’t seem to shake shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

Oh I can’t quit you and I’m always gonna miss you
And I’m always gonna love you ’cause I can’t quit you
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

When I Learn to Live Without it I’ll Be Gone

September 7, 2015 by Angie 23 Comments

A little piece of advice for all of you today… Sometimes, life is going to throw things at you whether you’re ready or not, and you are going to have to make a decision one way or another on how to react. Then sometimes, those decisions will lead to either having it all or to missing out on something amazing that you’ll never get the chance at again. Once it’s gone it’s gone… Will you risk it and leap at the chance? Or will you decide to stay in your comfort zone and possibly miss out on what could be the best thing to happen to you?

But sometimes, you’re going to be that curve ball for someone else, and you’re going to have to make the decision whether or not you’re worth it to yourself to let them take their dear sweet time deciding whether or not you’re “worth” taking a chance on. You have to decide if you can wait around for them to decide what they’re going to do… And you have to decide how long you’re going to wait around.

I’ve held off on telling too much of the reason that Yoshi and I had such bad timing, because it’s mostly his business. I will just say for the purpose of this post that it’s due to a living situation and how he wants to get it resolved before being with me, because he doesn’t want any complication standing in the way. His current living situation is a complication, and previously he’d told me he’d get it resolved in three months max. Setting a time line was good, right?

What was even better is that he actually ended up putting in an offer on a house. You may recall that Yoshi and I started bonding originally over the fact that we were both trying to buy a house, and we bonded over house hunting being as awful as dating. When he told me he’d actually put in an offer on a house, I got really excited. He put in his notice on his apartment and this should surely resolve his living situation quicker. Good, right?

I thought so. Until he said it might not actually resolve the situation. He was contemplating taking the contemplation with him to the new house for a little bit-just because he felt bad that it wasn’t the three months he originally set. This was the point that I started to feel like it was just never going to get resolved. The whole first two paragraphs of this blog post are based off of this whole speech I wanted to give him about taking chances or missing out on things. Those things being me, because I’m a great catch and he’ll never find someone just like me-and trust me he’s getting closer and closer to missing out on me.

I’m just tired of waiting around to find out if I’m “worthy” of taking the risk or not. The situation is exhausting, and I’m starting to feel like a second option-I’m starting to feel like if he really cared about me he’d actually change the situation instead of worrying about all the new ways it might not be resolved. It’s a cycle that I need out of at the moment, and I broke down and told him this-and then I battled crying at my desk for most of the rest of the day because I don’t want it to be over.

I still want him. I still want to give us a chance. But I can’t handle the waiting-it’s not doing me any favors. So how do I stop myself from waiting around because of all the hope I have in me? I don’t know… But it starts with saying “I’m not waiting.” I did tell him he should still let me know if things get resolved, but that I have to go forward and live my life as if it isn’t going to-because the closer and closer it gets, the more it looks like that’s going to be the case-at least for a long time. I can’t keep letting myself hurt over this…

I may still want him, but don’t you ever doubt it, when I learn to live without it I’ll be gone…

This week’s Musical Mondays song:
Second Option
by Caitlin Cary & Thad Cockrell

I don’t wanna be your second option
I don’t wanna be your after thought
I don’t wanna know the plans you make
If they’re not with me then call them off, call them off

I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone

I don’t wanna know where you’ll be going
I don’t wanna see the clothes you wear
I don’t wanna hear the fuss you make
If it’s not for me, then I don’t care, I don’t care

I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone, gone

The leaves on the trees are lonely
The stars wanna shine
If you don’t care, let go of me
Cruel to be kind, cruel to be kind

And I don’t wanna hang on your pretty hook
I don’t wanna wait another day
I’m the biggest fish in your shallow water
Always be the one that got away, got away

I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone, gone

And I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

I Can’t Stop Wanting You Next to Me

August 31, 2015 by Angie 21 Comments

Sometimes I think it would be easier to not care as much. If I could just move on with my life and not have any desire to wait around for someone in particular, it could be easier… Maybe? I don’t know. Dating sucks anyway, whether you’re waiting for someone specific or anyone in general, so maybe not…

At this point in time I’m fine waiting for Yoshi. I mean, I miss him quite a bit and spend a lot of time wishing he was around in person, but the span of time I’ve set to wait is not the problem. That time is going to fly by, and then I’ll find myself at a point where I find out whether we’re going to try for real or not. The part that I’m having the hardest time with is that I’m terrified that when those three months roll around, if we don’t work out, how am I going to stop wanting him? All this time I’m wanting him so badly, and dealing with the fact that I can’t have him for now-what happens if it’s no longer just “for now” and I have to get the hell over it?

Sometimes the idea of us ending up together after all of this does feel like it would be a total miracle, and then my pessimist side kicks in and I don’t believe in miracles-and I feel discouraged. Logically I know that I’d eventually get over it, I have in the past, but emotionally I know it’ll hurt quite a bit if it comes down to that. My optimist side somehow manages to hang on enough that I have significant hope of us having a future once events have happened and things are cleaned up a bit. We just get on so well. We’re super compatible when we’re together-and I’m terrified of losing that.

Unfortunately it’s those thoughts that seem to wrap their grubby fingers around every bit of insecurity in me. I told Yoshi that I’m terrified that three months is too long and that we’ll just fizzle out and die, or that he’ll forget how much he wants me during that time. He’s reassured me more than once that he could never forget because he knows he’ll never find someone even 1/4th as good as me-which is sweet, but I get to distrusting that feeling.

I don’t distrust him. With our all honestly all the time policy I have learned to trust what he says to me; I just fear that it’ll change. That’s the part that makes me feel like a pit has opened up in my stomach and sucked my heart down into it. What if I keep waiting and wanting and he stops? It’s just insecurity. He’s assured me that he wants me just as badly and can’t imagine not wanting me like this, and honestly if he did I would be okay-I would move on like I do, but still. Wanting this much hurts. It’s a risky move.

Some people are worth the risk though, and I can’t stop myself from putting myself out on this limb with every hope that Yoshi is one of those people. So far he’s different than anyone else I’ve dated just for the sheer fact that he wont sleep with me unless we can have all of each other and actually be together. Most guys would have dropped any care about a relationship and gone for all physical, and he refuses even when I’m the one bringing that up. That’s a pretty good indicator that he’s not like all the other guys, and maybe-just maybe-this whole thing will be worth all of this waiting and wanting.

And for now? Well, for now I’ll keep reminding him why I’m awesome. I’ll do my best to remind him why being together in the long run is worth the wait, and I’ll do my best to not let either of us walk away without giving this a chance-just in case.

This week’s song:
I Wont Let You Walk Away
by Mako & Madison Beer

I know I wont stop if you give me the keys
Because I could drive it like I’m a criminal
I wont watch if you want me to leave
‘Cause I keep looking back for a miracle

I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away

Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please don’t give it too long ’cause baby I’ve got this
Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please ’cause I wont let you walk away

I’ve got my windows down getting lost in the breeze
And I feel like I’m caught in a fairytale
I can’t stop wanting you next to me
‘Cause I keep holding out for a miracle

I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away

I wont let you walk away

Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away

I wont let you walk away

Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away

Like this song? Buy it here:

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join us!

>> Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
>> Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.
>> Link up in the month-long linky below.
>> Visit other participants and show support.

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

But Baby How Long?

August 24, 2015 by Angie 10 Comments

Anyone who knows me knows that patience is not necessarily a virtue I do so well with. I’m an Aries in almost every sense of the word. I barrel through life and situations and I don’t take a lot of time to stop and think things through first, I just go-go-go. Unfortunately this isn’t a method that typically works to well when interacting with others-especially in the dating world. Most people can’t just jump in with both feet and see what will be-they want to think it through first and can’t just throw caution to the wind and see what comes-and there’s nothing wrong with that per say.

This just means that I have to work really hard on my patience with confronted with a situation like this. It’s a good thing, patience is really something I could stand to have a little bit more of, but it’s a hard thing also. I spend most of the time while I’m trying to patiently wait wondering “how long?” and agonizing over a resolution.

Last week for my Musical Mondays post I chose a song regarding just that-waiting. Well it was more like “not waiting” and just meeting back up if it worked out, which is great, but almost harder to do. I chose that song because of my current situation with Yoshi, and explained so in that post as well. I spoke about how I wasn’t really waiting around, but my state of being seems to be one constantly changing based on how I feel and how our interactions are going.

I spent most of the past week working on my house in order to get it ready (well, ready enough) for my housewarming party, and that meant a lot of physical labor. Somehow, physical labor with music playing in the background seems to be an extremely productive way for me to work through things in my head, and I’m able to work hard and let my brain kind of do it’s own thing with the issues I’m thinking of. After many days of this, I came to the conclusion that part of me is, and will still, be waiting-and that I’m okay with that.

Don’t worry, this type of waiting doesn’t mean sitting around and pining for the guy while he gets his shit together. That’s not me. What it does mean, is that since he’s given himself and other people in his life a three month max period in which it needs to be handled-I’m giving him that also. At this point in my life, I have no desire to go out and actively date or to get involved in online dating again.

It’s horrible. I hate it. I have too much going on to worry about it.

Also, really, three months isn’t that long these days… With the years starting to feel like they’re just flying by, it’ll be November/December before I know it. So while I am technically single and thus open to the possibility that someone else could come into my life during that time, I’m not going to go out and actively search for it. Given my track record, it’s unlikely, but you never know. So for now, I’m waiting. I had a conversation with Yoshi explaining the same thing, and I told him that he can have that (up to) three months. If he hasn’t followed through with what he wants to accomplish at that point, I’m going to have to walk away and finally stop waiting, but I’m still holding out hope that things will clear up and we’ll have a chance to give us a real go.

A girl can hope right? So for the next three months I will do my best to be patient with the whole situation and I promised not bug him too much about it. I’m still going to check in, and he promised that he’d keep me in the loop and let me know if anything changed either direction, but I am actively choosing this situation knowing full well what it is and I can’t complain.

But I miss him, so at least to myself I’ll be sitting around listening to this song, wondering how long it will be, and hoping that after all is said and done we get to be together. Fingers crossed.

This week’s song:
How Long
by Matchbox Twenty

So many times with you and I, thought it was right but I was wrong, it’s true
And I wouldn’t feel the way I do without a sense of something real for you

It’s all about a good thing
So I don’t mind holding on

But how long are you gonna make me wait?
And how long are you gonna hesitate?
‘Cause I love the way we’re carrying on
But baby how long?

You know the way they always say don’t make it never, it’s better late, well that’s true
But tell me why, my cautious angel, must you put it in my face like you do?

It’s all about a good thing
So I don’t mind holding on

But how long are you gonna make me wait?
And how long are you gonna hesitate?
‘Cause I love the way we’re carrying on

But baby I don’t ever wanna make you feel too rushed
Make you feel like love wouldn’t be enough
Or that it’s just another don’t mean much
Like a high-school crush make you wanna run

Oh can’t you see the way I need you crazy and I want you in my arms every night of my life?

So tell me how long are you gonna make me wait?
Oh how long are you gonna hesitate?
‘Cause I love the way we’re carrying on
But baby how long?

How long? How long? How long?
How long? How long? How long?

Tell me how long

Love this song? Buy it here:

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join us!

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com