Dating Stories Archives - My So-Called Chaos

Say That Our Love Ain’t Water Under the Bridge

December 14, 2015 by Angie 108 Comments

The day had been exhausting. I’d spent the day with a couple of my favorite coworkers designing a scene and setting it up for a charity Santa event at my work, so while it was rewarding, it was also tiring. Traffic was awful. It was rush hour, so to keep myself calm I’d put on my audio book and I’d gotten off the freeway an exit earlier. Traffic was still bad as I made my way up 33rd south. I was hitting every traffic light, but it was okay as I was accurately engulfed in the tale being read to me over my car speakers.

I was listening to After You by Jojo Moyes. I’d read Before You in less than a day, and I’d cried my way through the entirety of that book-so I had already expected After You to be a real tear-jerker as it was a follow up and meant to cover the main character’s grief. However, as of yet, I hadn’t felt overwhelmingly sad or had any big emotional reactions. Then, as I sat there in traffic listening to the British accent lilt on about two characters coming together physically, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

It wasn’t even a sad part. It was a lovely part about two people who’d been flirting coming together while the rain fell outside and the chickens clucked away outside the window. She described how they showed their scars to each other, and then how they touched each other and began to make love-and I cried.

I cried because I miss it. More than anything I miss touching someone-having their hands on me-sharing that kind of intimacy. It’s not only that I miss… At this point I couldn’t go out and just be intimate with anyone and have that need fulfilled-I miss him. I miss specific hands on me-hands I haven’t been able to get over just yet. Hands I’m not sure I’ll ever get over entirely, no matter where life takes me, and what other hands find their way to my body.

There’s a kind of heaviness that comes with accepting that something you want badly may just never be. The weight comes from realizing that no matter how much you accept it, or how far you move on, there may always be some small part of you deep inside that never fully releases it. A part that never fully lets go of the “what ifs” and the “could’ve beens.” It’s pushes down on you, right in the center of your chest, and it fills your stomach with what feels like a gut full of dirt and rocks-weighted, but substance-free.

Once, I saw one of those Facebook quote images that gets passed around share to share, showing up on the wall of ladies who’ve had their hearts broken a time or two. It said something to the effect of “heartache feels like all those butterflies you once felt have died.” It’s true. What once felt like a flurry of emotion and excitement stuttering around inside of your chest now feels like a graveyard echoing the fear that you may never feel like that again. It’s like all the butterflies just died…

What if you never meet another person that makes you feel that rush again? What if the possible feelings for and from others in the future pale in comparison? What if no one’s hands ever quite feel the same as his hands did?

Logically I know it is ridiculous to feel that way. I’ve felt like that before, and I’ve always moved on from it regardless. The last person’s hands were forgotten once the next one’s fingers traced the soft outline of my collarbone. Their kiss was a distant memory as soon as I tasted the next set of lips… It happens. We move forward. Our hearts are remarkably healable… A few scars left here and there, always a small reminder of what once was, but the majority remains in tact and open to more love-as long as we let it. We know we’ll move on if the time comes, but we hope we don’t have to.

I still hope I don’t have to.

If you’re not the one for me, then how come I can bring you to your knees?
If you’re not the one for me, why do I hate the idea of being free?
And if I’m not the one for you, you’ve gotta stop holding me the way you do
Oh and if I’m not the one for you, why have we been through what we have been through?

It’s so cold out here in your wilderness
I want you to be my keeper, but not if you are so reckless

[Chorus]
If you’re going to let me down, let me down gently, don’t pretend that you don’t want me
Our love ain’t water under the bridge
If you’re going to let me down, let me down gently, don’t pretend that you don’t want me
Our love ain’t water under the bridge
Oooh, say that our love ain’t water under the bridge

Oh what are you waiting for? You never seem to make it through the door
And who are you hiding from? It ain’t no life to live like you’re on the run
Have I ever asked for much? The only thing that I want is your love

[Chorus]

It’s so cold in your wilderness
I want you to be my but not if you are so reckless

[Chorus]

Oooh, say that our love ain’t water under the bridge
Say that our love ain’t water under the bridge

Water Under the Bridge by Adele, from the album 25

On another note, I’ve listened to the entirety of this new Adele album on repeat like twenty times now… I’m not even exaggerating. It’s so good. I’m going to keep up the Musical Mondays and deep thoughtful posts that go with them, even if I’m not hosting the link-up anymore. If you’d like to join, please do, just leave your link in the comments. &hearts;

Check out this remarkable sponsor:

Angie

Angie is a coffee-fueled writer, artist-wanna-be, and over-worker who currently resides in a tiny fixer-upper near Salt Lake City with her boyfriend and 70lb rescue pittie. She works full time in Customer Service/Computers, part-time in retail and fashion, goes to school part-time on and off, maintains this and another couple of blogs, as well as volunteers with rescue dogs. In her free time, what little of it there is, she likes to read, play nerd games, craft and create art, and spend time with all of the awesome people in her life.

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Love This Pain | Can We Become Addicted to Our Pain?

November 9, 2015 by Angie 22 Comments

To be completely honest, this is my second draft and a complete re-write of this post. The original (which has been saved to try and make use of in a different way) started becoming a lot darker than I intended-darker than relates to the song I’ve chosen for Musical Mondays. Sometimes that happens, and sometimes it doesn’t work to keep going with that course of writing.

On my drive home the other day, Love This Pain by Lady Antebellum (music and lyrics to follow) came on shuffle and I listened to it about 12 times on the drive home as I tried to make heads or tails about how it made me feel. Do I love my pain? Probably.

How else can I explain a heart that is all too ready to run back to pain instead of moving on to something that might not hurt as much?

What other way is there to explain the countless people who stay with people who hurt them repeatedly? Maybe fear of change, but that explanation doesn’t completely explain why so many of us choose the same kind of people over and over again. We want to feel that old familiar pain that we’ve become so used to. They say love releases hormones that we become addicted to, and I’m willing to bet pain does too. Heartbreak pain seems to be a double whammy-you get a good dose of love and pain all in one go and then you keep coming back for another hit of that old familiar ache. Like they say, I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

How much harm does loving this pain cause? In some cases, I would definitely say that you should love your pain and embrace it. We need to feel, and we need to grieve, and fighting that need only causes more problems. However, it’s too easy to get stuck in that pain. Sure, we feel it for a little while and allow ourselves to wallow a bit, and that’s healthy-but what happens when that wallowing just continues? Your life falls apart. I know mine does. My house doesn’t get cleaned, the dog doesn’t get walked, I don’t go out and see my friends and family… All I want to do is sleep, or lay on the couch and do nothing but watch TV.

Yes, that’s depression. I’ve never even tried to deny that I have depression-it runs in my family and I know the signs. Mine isn’t bad enough that I need to be on medication for it (no judgement at all if you do-I think it’s important to be aware of what you need and to act on that), but I know it would be greatly improved if I stopped loving this pain so much. Yeah, I can say I hate feeling that way, but then I willingly put myself in situations I know will trigger it-because the pain feels better than feeling numb. Numb is the worst. Though how I differentiate between just not having current feelings and numb, I don’t know-I think I can’t handle not feeling something all of the time so it all gets lumped in with the idea that I “feel numb,” even when that’s not the case.

There comes a point where we have to make an active decision to stop putting ourselves in these triggering situations. By now, we know who and what hurt us… We just have to make a conscious decision to either stop letting them, or to remove those things and/or people from our lives. Easier said than done in some cases… But so very necessary.

No, we can’t always control how we feel, but we have to make active decisions about those feelings when they arise. We can choose to keep feeling that way forever, or we can choose to make a change. Whether that change includes seeing a doctor/therapist, removing ourselves from a bad situation, or simply doing something else-something that doesn’t hurt so much… Well, that depends on the situation. I can’t tell you how to fix it, all I can recommend is that it’s time to start looking at why we feel the way we do-and what we can do to help ourselves stop repeating bad cycles.

So can we become addicted to our pain? Definitely.

How much harm does it do? That can vary, but sometimes it can be a much higher price than we’re willing to pay. There are times where pain can do irreparable damage to our psyche and/or our lives if we let it go untreated or ignored. We need to deal with our issues folks. We need to be conscious of how we’re feeling, what caused it, and what we can do to fix it.

Me? I’m still working on it. I’m still learning how to stop repeating the same mistakes that lead to that pain I’m addicted to.

Do you love your pain?

She’s no good for me, I know that she’s a wildflower
She’s got a restlessness, a beautiful mess thing about her
But here I am again calling her back and letting her drive me crazy

It’s like I love this pain a little too much, love my heart all busted up
There’s something about her that just don’t work but I can’t walk away
It’s like I love this pain

It’s just an on again and off again situation
It’s a striking match a tank of gas combination
But here I am again, lighting it up knowing that she’ll just burn me

It’s like I love this pain a little too much, love my heart all busted up
There’s something about her that just don’t work but I can’t walk away
It’s like I love this pain

It’s like I love this life where nothing’s right unless something’s wrong
It’s like I’m just not me if I can’t be a sad sad song

It’s like I love this pain a little too much, love my heart all busted up
There’s something about her that just don’t work but I can’t walk away
It’s like I love this pain

It’s like I love this pain and I can’t walk away, oh yeah

It’s like I love this pain

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

I Don’t Want to Fall Another Moment Into Your Gravity

October 26, 2015 by Angie 43 Comments

I think, when it comes to dating and relationships, one of the hardest things I will ever have to do is walk away from someone I care about so deeply knowing that they care about me as well. Over the years I’ve grown more than used to walking away from people who don’t care about me. It’s become a skill to know when you’re no longer wanted and hit the road, and it’s actually become somewhat easy to pick up and head out when you know that they can’t love you like you could love them, or that they don’t or won’t love you at all.

But someone who does potentially have those kind of feelings for you in return for yours? How do you walk away from that one without more than a little pain and struggle? You don’t-not easily anyway. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t walk away from it if it’s not good for you or not working, because if the situation isn’t right and walking away is necessary you have to find the strength to do it in spite of whatever feelings are there.

Some of you know that I’ve had this on again off again thing for a while now, and that it’s caused me a great deal of introspection and some heartache. In a nutshell, the situation is that I started dating this person in my life and while neither of us had much intention of getting seriously involved, we both developed strong feelings for each other that meant it had to be more than the original plan. However, he’s currently in this situation that (he feels) prevents him from getting too serious at the moment, and while he has the power to change the situation, he hasn’t been able to make himself do so. While he makes me feel amazing in most instances, the constant back and forth of right person wrong time has been exhausting.

Last week I finally told Yoshi that I can’t do it anymore. We’d gotten talking again about how he made me his goal for the rest of this year, how he was going to do whatever he could to get back to me before the end of the year-and I’d gotten sucked back in again. In spite of all my proclamations that I wasn’t waiting for him-I was waiting. I just wanted him so damned bad, and when you want someone like that it’s hard to imagine that there’s someone else out there you can want as much as that, so moving on feels both unlikely and useless.

Then after another conversation where he sounded like he was just accepting his current living situation with no goal of ever changing it, even though I feel like he has all the capability of changing it and just wont, I quit. I told him that while I still care deeply for him and really hope he accomplishes his goal of making his way back to me soon-I’m done waiting. I’m done hoping. I’m done discussing it. It was then that I made our new rules-we can still be friends but we’re no longer allowed to talk about sex, his current living situation, or any possibility of a future together.

Well, me being me, I immediately wanted to break these rules the next day… I can’t help it-I’m a talker-I have to talk things to death before I’m done with them. He, however, stuck to the rules and refused to even respond to me on those topics, which of course made me angry. How could it be so easy for him to just let it go? Well, it’s not, and I know that… He still wants me, he’s just better at following the rules that I set-how can I get mad at him for doing exactly what I told him to do? I can’t. But I did. Why? Because I don’t know how else to get over him.

Sometimes you have to get mad to move on. You have to let that anger fuel you in a direction that is any other direction but backwards. I keep going backwards, falling back into him and my desire for a future we may never in reality achieve. It’s time now to pick up my feet, however weighted they may be, and walk forward without carrying this “what if” bag with me. That bag is too heavy, and all it does is weigh me down. If he wants, he can pick up that bag and meet me somewhere in the future, but for now I have to move on without it-as if it doesn’t and will not ever exist.

So I am. This isn’t a case of “take some time for yourself to move on” because all I’ve had is time for myself. I’ve been single for most of my life. I already know how to love myself and be alone with myself-I’m good at that. Too good at that. This time I need to actually move on and try meeting someone new, whether I meet someone even better that makes me forget how much I want him, or whether I meet someone who I have some fun with in the meantime, who knows… All I know is that I need to move on and actually date other people.

Here goes nothing…

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long
But no matter what I say or do, I still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be, I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me, and all over me…

Oh you loved me ’cause I’m fragile, but I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be, I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be
But you’re on to me, and all over me…

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see that you’re everything that I think I need here on the ground
But you’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go
But one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down…
You’re keeping me down, yeah

But you’re on to me, you’re on to me, and all over

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Because Falling Fills My Memory…

October 12, 2015 by Angie 17 Comments

I’m over it. The words were out before there was time to think about whether or not they were true. Truthfully, I didn’t know if they were true, but I did know that I didn’t want to have the same conversation for the hundredth time. You know, the conversation that starts with him telling me how badly he wants me, but that it’s complicated, and ends with an acceptance of yes, you want me, but not bad enough to do anything about it.

The truth is, as soon as the words left me and my fingers hit the tiny green send button on the screen, a well of emotion swelled up inside of me, informing me that I was no where near over it. Somehow, I thought that just saying that I was over it would make it so-or at least allow us to avoid our default back and forth on why we both want each other but can’t be together right now. In all honesty, I have grown extremely weary of this discussion that seems to go around and around and around, yet always brings us back to square one. However, every time I try to avoid the conversation I come off as callous or cold.

I don’t feel callous or cold… I feel a whole world of emotion, most of it very heated, and none of these feelings leave me feeling detached from the situation in any way… I have no desire to hurt him with my words, and yet somehow I do. At these times, he’s always quick to point out that it’s on him, explaining that it’s his own fault we’re even in this situation, and that maybe he doesn’t have a right to feel sad about me moving on so quickly. I don’t know how he can feel like I’m moving on so quickly when I’ve been at this for nearly six months and I’m still trudging through the mud of deciding whether to hold on or to let go. I’m not stuck here, but I’m moving at a snails pace, or so it seems to me.

The truth is, he’s allowed to feel that way, and honestly I think I’d be kind of bummed if he was anything but sad about me moving on… He’s allowed to feel any damn way he feels. We’re all allowed to feel the ways we do, and we shouldn’t have to feel guilty for feeling it-whether that’s angry or sad-even if a situation is our fault. Just feel something… Anything… Feeling is an important part of this road we’re all on, whether we’re traveling together or alone.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes.

We’re all just trying our damnedest to get by in this great big world, a world that while filled with so much good, is also filled with scary and confusing things. That’s life. That’s being an adult. That’s trying to navigating things that can’t be navigated because they’re lodged so deeply into the deepest depths of the heart.

A heart that’s filled with infinite twists and turns that send you backtracking if you get too close or it gets too frightening.

A heart that changes like the weather without ever really changing at all.

It doesn’t make sense, but then when it comes to love, and feelings, and heartbreak-what does? Not much, if you ask me, but we all just keep coming back like moths to a flame. We can’t stay away-we need it-and would we really want to stay away if we could? I doubt it. Feeling the temporary joy and pain is immensely preferable to feeling numb and empty.

So return we will. We’ll pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and force ourselves back into the caverns of human emotion with hope that one of the chambers we venture down will lead to the center-a place filled with warmth and light… Or so we’ve been told.

I’ll admit at this point in the post that it did not go anywhere near where I assumed it would when I started writing, but sometimes when I’m letting myself poor raw thoughts onto the page like this, it rarely does. This is one-hundred percent why blogging can be therapeutic. I started this post wanting to talk about how I’m not over him and how it still hurts sometimes, and ended up completely forgiving him right here at word 729. Don’t get me wrong, forgiving isn’t excusing… I still feel that if he wanted me badly enough he’d do something to make it happen, and since he’s not doing anything to move towards that goal… Well, all I know is that I can’t stay here in this place hoping for a move to finally be made.

The forgiveness though… In the forgiveness I’ve found right here on this page there is something miraculous… A sort of release. Will this be the end of wanting? No. Will it be the end of hurting for that want? Unlikely… But does it feel easier? A little bit… I’ll take “a little easier”. I’ll take being able to look at him and remember that he’s only human and he’s trying to make his way through all of these winding and misleading roads of emotion… Just like me. Our paths are unique. The way we travel those paths may be different, but we are the same inside, and it’s all going to be okay…

Whatever you want
Whatever you’re needing
Whatever you feel
I’ll bring it all back around
I promise you this
I promise I’m bleeding
Take it easy on me now
Take it easy on me now

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Kiss me, oh kiss me, under the covers
Hide from the world now, for we feel like no others
And I’m sorry, so sorry, that I put you through all this
But I hope now that you see that I’ve tasted every tear on your lips
That I’ve tasted every tear on your lips

Ask me your questions
I can give you no answers
I’m turning the tables
You’ve had too many chances
I promise you one thing
I’ll never walk away with hope to watch you fall
Because falling fills my memories

I only wish for you to stay
Say you’ll never walk away

Don’t walk away and watch me fall
Don’t walk away and watch us both fall down
I wont walk away and watch you fall, oh

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

I Confess That I’m Only Holding on by a Thin Thin Thread

September 21, 2015 by Angie 31 Comments

A few months ago I told my brother that breakups get easier the older you get and the more you go through. It’s not true. I like to convince myself that they get easier, but they don’t. Maybe they even get harder? Maybe it just depends on the situation. I’m not coping well with this one-my heart hurts infinitely more than I expected and I’m in a really low place.

I’ve lost faith that Yoshi is going to get his complication taken care of in any kind of reasonable time frame, so I’m giving up on us, but losing faith doesn’t seem to equal losing desire. I still want him so badly. When I think about him I ache for him, and then I ache because I can’t have him, and then I fall further into this well of depression over it.

It’s a strange situation because usually when you break up with someone you don’t see them again. You never have the chance to say “you hurt me and I feel like an idiot for hanging on so long…” but in this case I do. I’ve said those things. I’ve gotten responses to those things. It doesn’t make it any better. It still hurts.

Our conversations go something like this:

Me: I really miss you, and this is really hard on me but I need to let go.
Him: I really miss you too. I feel selfish because I want you to not let go all the way, I want us to have a chance in the future, but I also understand if you need to. I don’t want you to hang on forever and keep hurting.
Me: I’m trying to give up on you. It’s just difficult.
Him: I am so sorry for putting you through this.
Me: That’s ridiculous. Stop being sorry. You have the power to change all of this. If you’re sorry, or if I mattered enough, you’d fix the situation!
Him: It’s not about mattering enough, you do matter, it’s just not black and white.
Me: It is. If I mattered enough, or if you wanted me enough, you’d get your shit together.
Him: I’m trying. It’s just slower than you need, and I know I’m screwing this all up and it hurts.
Me: You are screwing it up. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.
Him: I miss you already. I think about you all the time, but I just keep messing it up and I can’t seem to stop and it kills me to think about it. I’m a huge idiot.
Me: You are a huge idiot. Just fix it! Sorry, I’ll stop bringing this up.
Him: Don’t be sorry, I really understand, I do-you only want what is best for me. You are the best for me, but I keep screwing it up. I’m so sorry.

And so it goes, round and round and round again… I know everything he’s saying is legitimate. It’s the way he thinks and the way he feels, and none of it is false-our all honesty policy has carried on well. It still doesn’t stop me from wanting to shout at him that he’s screwing all of this up-that he could have everything he ever wanted. But he knows that. It’s the strangest thing to know that he knows that he’s making the biggest mistake, yet he can’t seem to stop making the mistake? What. The. Hell?

Yet, all of this-watching him be self destructive and still not letting us have what we both want-and I still want him. It hasn’t stopped or eased at all. If he got his life in order tomorrow and texted me I’d be one hundred percent on board.

But I need to give up on it. I need to move forward without him, and acknowledging that is killing me a little.

This week’s song
Sad
by Maroon 5

Man it’s been a long day
Stuck thinking about it driving on the freeway
Wonderin’ if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh but I’m scared to death that there may not be another one like this
And I confess, that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread
I’m kicking the curb ’cause you never heard the words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt ’cause I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, sad

Man it’s been a long night
Just sittin’ here trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

So sad, so sad

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

‘Cause I Just Can’t Seem to Shake, Wake, Break it, or Quit You

September 14, 2015 by Angie 33 Comments

Sometimes it feels like I’m just caught in these different cycles. There are a few of them, smaller ones within bigger ones, but I keep coming back to the same point-this same square one-when it comes to my heart. The bigger cycle being that I’m increasingly unable to meet/date/fall for anyone who is even capable of having a meaningful relationship. I started logging into a dating site again (just one, it’s all I can handle-baby steps, right?) and hey-surprise! I still hate it.

Hating the idea of starting dating again does not lend itself well to the smaller cycle I’m stuck in when it comes to Yoshi. One minute I’m feeling strong and ready to move on and meet someone else, and then the next minute we get to talking and I get my hopes up for something with him again. Every time I get my hopes up they end up crashing and burning again. It seems like no matter how much he wants me, he just can’t seem to see his way through to putting himself in a position to have me. But since he wants me, he occasionally reminds me of how he hopes we’ll find our way together in the future, and then I start pinning hope to it again. I’ve got to stop doing that.

For example, last week we ended up having a great talk about how much we missed each other. Then he received some good news about the house he’s buying and how manageable his payments will be and he mentioned how exciting this was because it makes it easier to remove the “complication” from the picture. It takes a bit of stress off of him. Of course this piece of news pushed my optimism into full gear… Yay! He’s actually going to remove the complication! But then those prospects plummeted when he again clarified that it might not be right away.

Somehow I end up in these big conversations with him where I let myself get let down. He’s not changing, yet I keep trying to convince myself that something will-and then I let myself drop again. What I really need to do is actually move on. I need to squash all of the hope and stop thinking in a “for now” or a “someday” mentality. I need to start dating and thinking as if he and I will never have a chance together, because it looks far more likely that the situation will indeed go that direction.

The hard part is that I don’t want the door closed completely-I mean if he ever catches up and gets his shit together I’d really like a chance at it… But the problem is that on some level I need to close the door-at least for myself-because leaving the door open even just a bit sees me stepping through it every chance I get. It’s like I’m cracking the door so he can let me know when he wants to walk through it, but I keep poking my head through the door and asking if he’s ready yet. It’s not going to work like that. It doesn’t work like that.

I need to close the door, and if he ever comes around to it-he can knock.

This week’s song:
Quit You
by Tristan Prettyman

Okay so maybe we’re not meant to be
And the thing I feel is just a comic thing
But I never loved the way I loved you
And I don’t think my heart has ever been so true
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

I cannot sleep when it’s your lovin’ I miss
You’re like a fever that I’m comin’ down with
You said a lot, but I never heard no
You said to jump, but I never let go
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

What will it take to make you see
If only you would just choose me
I’d love you to the day I died
And for that I’d be satisfied
I’d be satisfied

While it’d be easier if you were just some guy
From some other town who didn’t live close by
But you got me good and I can’t quit now
Yeah I’m hooked on you and I’m freaking out
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

‘Cause I just can’t, just can’t, seem to, seem to
I just can’t, just can’t, seem to, seem to
I just can’t seem to shake shake wake break it or quit you
Ooohooh, I can’t quit you, oh oh

Oh I can’t quit you and I’m always gonna miss you
And I’m always gonna love you ’cause I can’t quit you
‘Cause I just can’t seem to shake wake break it or quit you

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

When I Learn to Live Without it I’ll Be Gone

September 7, 2015 by Angie 23 Comments

A little piece of advice for all of you today… Sometimes, life is going to throw things at you whether you’re ready or not, and you are going to have to make a decision one way or another on how to react. Then sometimes, those decisions will lead to either having it all or to missing out on something amazing that you’ll never get the chance at again. Once it’s gone it’s gone… Will you risk it and leap at the chance? Or will you decide to stay in your comfort zone and possibly miss out on what could be the best thing to happen to you?

But sometimes, you’re going to be that curve ball for someone else, and you’re going to have to make the decision whether or not you’re worth it to yourself to let them take their dear sweet time deciding whether or not you’re “worth” taking a chance on. You have to decide if you can wait around for them to decide what they’re going to do… And you have to decide how long you’re going to wait around.

I’ve held off on telling too much of the reason that Yoshi and I had such bad timing, because it’s mostly his business. I will just say for the purpose of this post that it’s due to a living situation and how he wants to get it resolved before being with me, because he doesn’t want any complication standing in the way. His current living situation is a complication, and previously he’d told me he’d get it resolved in three months max. Setting a time line was good, right?

What was even better is that he actually ended up putting in an offer on a house. You may recall that Yoshi and I started bonding originally over the fact that we were both trying to buy a house, and we bonded over house hunting being as awful as dating. When he told me he’d actually put in an offer on a house, I got really excited. He put in his notice on his apartment and this should surely resolve his living situation quicker. Good, right?

I thought so. Until he said it might not actually resolve the situation. He was contemplating taking the contemplation with him to the new house for a little bit-just because he felt bad that it wasn’t the three months he originally set. This was the point that I started to feel like it was just never going to get resolved. The whole first two paragraphs of this blog post are based off of this whole speech I wanted to give him about taking chances or missing out on things. Those things being me, because I’m a great catch and he’ll never find someone just like me-and trust me he’s getting closer and closer to missing out on me.

I’m just tired of waiting around to find out if I’m “worthy” of taking the risk or not. The situation is exhausting, and I’m starting to feel like a second option-I’m starting to feel like if he really cared about me he’d actually change the situation instead of worrying about all the new ways it might not be resolved. It’s a cycle that I need out of at the moment, and I broke down and told him this-and then I battled crying at my desk for most of the rest of the day because I don’t want it to be over.

I still want him. I still want to give us a chance. But I can’t handle the waiting-it’s not doing me any favors. So how do I stop myself from waiting around because of all the hope I have in me? I don’t know… But it starts with saying “I’m not waiting.” I did tell him he should still let me know if things get resolved, but that I have to go forward and live my life as if it isn’t going to-because the closer and closer it gets, the more it looks like that’s going to be the case-at least for a long time. I can’t keep letting myself hurt over this…

I may still want him, but don’t you ever doubt it, when I learn to live without it I’ll be gone…

This week’s Musical Mondays song:
Second Option
by Caitlin Cary & Thad Cockrell

I don’t wanna be your second option
I don’t wanna be your after thought
I don’t wanna know the plans you make
If they’re not with me then call them off, call them off

I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone

I don’t wanna know where you’ll be going
I don’t wanna see the clothes you wear
I don’t wanna hear the fuss you make
If it’s not for me, then I don’t care, I don’t care

I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone, gone

The leaves on the trees are lonely
The stars wanna shine
If you don’t care, let go of me
Cruel to be kind, cruel to be kind

And I don’t wanna hang on your pretty hook
I don’t wanna wait another day
I’m the biggest fish in your shallow water
Always be the one that got away, got away

I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday
I’ve been alone too many days, baby
Don’t you every doubt it
When I learn to live without it I’ll be gone, gone, gone

And I’ve been alone on a Sunday baby
I’ve been alone on a Monday

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join!

→ Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.

→ Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.

→ Link up in the month-long linky below.

→ Visit other participants and show support.

An InLinkz Link-up

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

I Can’t Stop Wanting You Next to Me

August 31, 2015 by Angie 21 Comments

Sometimes I think it would be easier to not care as much. If I could just move on with my life and not have any desire to wait around for someone in particular, it could be easier… Maybe? I don’t know. Dating sucks anyway, whether you’re waiting for someone specific or anyone in general, so maybe not…

At this point in time I’m fine waiting for Yoshi. I mean, I miss him quite a bit and spend a lot of time wishing he was around in person, but the span of time I’ve set to wait is not the problem. That time is going to fly by, and then I’ll find myself at a point where I find out whether we’re going to try for real or not. The part that I’m having the hardest time with is that I’m terrified that when those three months roll around, if we don’t work out, how am I going to stop wanting him? All this time I’m wanting him so badly, and dealing with the fact that I can’t have him for now-what happens if it’s no longer just “for now” and I have to get the hell over it?

Sometimes the idea of us ending up together after all of this does feel like it would be a total miracle, and then my pessimist side kicks in and I don’t believe in miracles-and I feel discouraged. Logically I know that I’d eventually get over it, I have in the past, but emotionally I know it’ll hurt quite a bit if it comes down to that. My optimist side somehow manages to hang on enough that I have significant hope of us having a future once events have happened and things are cleaned up a bit. We just get on so well. We’re super compatible when we’re together-and I’m terrified of losing that.

Unfortunately it’s those thoughts that seem to wrap their grubby fingers around every bit of insecurity in me. I told Yoshi that I’m terrified that three months is too long and that we’ll just fizzle out and die, or that he’ll forget how much he wants me during that time. He’s reassured me more than once that he could never forget because he knows he’ll never find someone even 1/4th as good as me-which is sweet, but I get to distrusting that feeling.

I don’t distrust him. With our all honestly all the time policy I have learned to trust what he says to me; I just fear that it’ll change. That’s the part that makes me feel like a pit has opened up in my stomach and sucked my heart down into it. What if I keep waiting and wanting and he stops? It’s just insecurity. He’s assured me that he wants me just as badly and can’t imagine not wanting me like this, and honestly if he did I would be okay-I would move on like I do, but still. Wanting this much hurts. It’s a risky move.

Some people are worth the risk though, and I can’t stop myself from putting myself out on this limb with every hope that Yoshi is one of those people. So far he’s different than anyone else I’ve dated just for the sheer fact that he wont sleep with me unless we can have all of each other and actually be together. Most guys would have dropped any care about a relationship and gone for all physical, and he refuses even when I’m the one bringing that up. That’s a pretty good indicator that he’s not like all the other guys, and maybe-just maybe-this whole thing will be worth all of this waiting and wanting.

And for now? Well, for now I’ll keep reminding him why I’m awesome. I’ll do my best to remind him why being together in the long run is worth the wait, and I’ll do my best to not let either of us walk away without giving this a chance-just in case.

This week’s song:
I Wont Let You Walk Away
by Mako & Madison Beer

I know I wont stop if you give me the keys
Because I could drive it like I’m a criminal
I wont watch if you want me to leave
‘Cause I keep looking back for a miracle

I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away

Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please don’t give it too long ’cause baby I’ve got this
Please don’t tell me you’re gone ’cause baby I want this
Please ’cause I wont let you walk away

I’ve got my windows down getting lost in the breeze
And I feel like I’m caught in a fairytale
I can’t stop wanting you next to me
‘Cause I keep holding out for a miracle

I’m just a lighter without a spark
Take a bullet right straight through the heart
Oh I’ve made my mistakes but I wont let you walk away

I wont let you walk away

Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away

I wont let you walk away

Whoa, whoa, whoa I wont let you walk away

Like this song? Buy it here:

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join us!

>> Write and publish a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
>> Include the Musical Mondays button-the code is above.
>> Link up in the month-long linky below.
>> Visit other participants and show support.

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

But Baby How Long?

August 24, 2015 by Angie 10 Comments

Anyone who knows me knows that patience is not necessarily a virtue I do so well with. I’m an Aries in almost every sense of the word. I barrel through life and situations and I don’t take a lot of time to stop and think things through first, I just go-go-go. Unfortunately this isn’t a method that typically works to well when interacting with others-especially in the dating world. Most people can’t just jump in with both feet and see what will be-they want to think it through first and can’t just throw caution to the wind and see what comes-and there’s nothing wrong with that per say.

This just means that I have to work really hard on my patience with confronted with a situation like this. It’s a good thing, patience is really something I could stand to have a little bit more of, but it’s a hard thing also. I spend most of the time while I’m trying to patiently wait wondering “how long?” and agonizing over a resolution.

Last week for my Musical Mondays post I chose a song regarding just that-waiting. Well it was more like “not waiting” and just meeting back up if it worked out, which is great, but almost harder to do. I chose that song because of my current situation with Yoshi, and explained so in that post as well. I spoke about how I wasn’t really waiting around, but my state of being seems to be one constantly changing based on how I feel and how our interactions are going.

I spent most of the past week working on my house in order to get it ready (well, ready enough) for my housewarming party, and that meant a lot of physical labor. Somehow, physical labor with music playing in the background seems to be an extremely productive way for me to work through things in my head, and I’m able to work hard and let my brain kind of do it’s own thing with the issues I’m thinking of. After many days of this, I came to the conclusion that part of me is, and will still, be waiting-and that I’m okay with that.

Don’t worry, this type of waiting doesn’t mean sitting around and pining for the guy while he gets his shit together. That’s not me. What it does mean, is that since he’s given himself and other people in his life a three month max period in which it needs to be handled-I’m giving him that also. At this point in my life, I have no desire to go out and actively date or to get involved in online dating again.

It’s horrible. I hate it. I have too much going on to worry about it.

Also, really, three months isn’t that long these days… With the years starting to feel like they’re just flying by, it’ll be November/December before I know it. So while I am technically single and thus open to the possibility that someone else could come into my life during that time, I’m not going to go out and actively search for it. Given my track record, it’s unlikely, but you never know. So for now, I’m waiting. I had a conversation with Yoshi explaining the same thing, and I told him that he can have that (up to) three months. If he hasn’t followed through with what he wants to accomplish at that point, I’m going to have to walk away and finally stop waiting, but I’m still holding out hope that things will clear up and we’ll have a chance to give us a real go.

A girl can hope right? So for the next three months I will do my best to be patient with the whole situation and I promised not bug him too much about it. I’m still going to check in, and he promised that he’d keep me in the loop and let me know if anything changed either direction, but I am actively choosing this situation knowing full well what it is and I can’t complain.

But I miss him, so at least to myself I’ll be sitting around listening to this song, wondering how long it will be, and hoping that after all is said and done we get to be together. Fingers crossed.

This week’s song:
How Long
by Matchbox Twenty

So many times with you and I, thought it was right but I was wrong, it’s true
And I wouldn’t feel the way I do without a sense of something real for you

It’s all about a good thing
So I don’t mind holding on

But how long are you gonna make me wait?
And how long are you gonna hesitate?
‘Cause I love the way we’re carrying on
But baby how long?

You know the way they always say don’t make it never, it’s better late, well that’s true
But tell me why, my cautious angel, must you put it in my face like you do?

It’s all about a good thing
So I don’t mind holding on

But how long are you gonna make me wait?
And how long are you gonna hesitate?
‘Cause I love the way we’re carrying on

But baby I don’t ever wanna make you feel too rushed
Make you feel like love wouldn’t be enough
Or that it’s just another don’t mean much
Like a high-school crush make you wanna run

Oh can’t you see the way I need you crazy and I want you in my arms every night of my life?

So tell me how long are you gonna make me wait?
Oh how long are you gonna hesitate?
‘Cause I love the way we’re carrying on
But baby how long?

How long? How long? How long?
How long? How long? How long?

Tell me how long

Love this song? Buy it here:

Musical Mondays is a weekly link-up (with a month-long linky) for anything music related. I hope you can join us!

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

If We Still Exist I Can Let Go of My Fear

August 17, 2015 by Angie 20 Comments

Some of you may remember how I drew a line with Yoshi recently and we had a big talk where we discussed how he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and I couldn’t wait around for it. Those lines are hard not to cross when you’re around someone often enough and you can’t stop feeling what you’re feeling. Neither one of us wants to let go of the other… It’s kind of terrible that for once I have feelings for someone who actually feels them back for me, but then timing sucks.

So naturally, I thought I’d cross that line a little… Maybe just a toe? It doesn’t hurt if I just put a toe over, right? I messaged him to ask him if we should consider extending our friendship… Not just friends, but friends with benefits. I mean, if we’re not in a relationship it doesn’t hurt in the meantime does it? I know I can’t do meaningless sex, it would never be meaningless between us, but just because there is something more there doesn’t mean we have to be in a relationship.

Well, Yoshi may be a bit wiser than me. I was willing to lie to myself about my ability to maintain a relationship like that (even though I’ve learned time and time again that I can’t) just because I wanted to remain close to him for a while. Yet he kept putting me off, and then I finally asked him about it and he just told me that he knew he couldn’t do it. He felt too much for me to be able to separate those feelings, even if it was just for a short while before we were ready to be something more to each other.

This meant we had another big talk. He has set a time limit on when things need to be worked out by in his life, and it’s “three months max”, meaning it could be as early as two weeks, but it could be as late as three months. We talked again about how I couldn’t wait around for that, and he said he wished we weren’t having this conversation because he cared too much for it just be over-though he understood that he couldn’t expect me to just wait around.

So I’m not waiting… Not entirely… Okay, part of me is waiting. Knowing my track record, it’s unlikely I’ll have a boyfriend in three months and I’m in no mood to actively go out and try to date. Not with everything I have going on with the house and work, and especially not since I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that he and I can come back together and really give it a go. He’s a great guy, and the reason we’re apart now is because he’s trying to be respectful of me and other people in his life. It’s kind of amazing to be so well respected, even though I’ve given him every opportunity to cross that line with me. He won’t.

I love it and hate it. I’m filled with so much fear that three months will be too much time, that all this stuff between us will fizzle out and die if we don’t cultivate it… But he’s one hundred percent right that we can’t just try to be something we’re not in the meantime, it’s not something we’re capable of and to be honest, if we had done that and then things hadn’t worked out properly, it would have probably destroyed any chance of having something real or of being friends after everything is all said and done.

I know I’ve shared this song before, but it is suddenly something that relates more heavily to my life. The time is wrong, but the person could be right-and here’s hoping that when we’re able to come back together we still exist and can let go of our fears and really experience it. I hope so with everything in me.

This week’s song:
Habits
by Maria Mena
Featuring Mads Langer

I am a creature of habit, and I move in circles ’round you
I will admit there’s a pattern, one I’ve created myself
None of my lovers dared leave me
I grew impatient and stale
Didn’t look back once I’d left them, ‘cuz I always expected to fail

But this time it’s different, the rules don’t apply
But I need some distance to step out of line

So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year
If we still exist I can let go of my fear
Fear of normalcy, fear of the solid walls of of our future
And let go of my past

I must be crazy to want this, ’cause you are the girl of my dreams
But I’m prone to ruin the good things, cautious around balance it seems

With you it is different, the rules don’t apply
But I need some distance to step out of line

So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year
If we still exist I can let go of my fear
Fear of normalcy, fear of the solid walls of of our future
And let go of my past

Musical Mondays is a weekly linky party where you can share songs or other music-related posts each Monday and link up with the linky. Then you can visit the other music posts linked up. To join us:

Write a blog post sharing music or something music-related.
Include the Musical Mondays button (code below) and/or a link back.
Link-up in the linky below. (NEW-It’s going to be a month long linky, so feel free to add links through the month!)
Visit other Musical Monday links in the linky.

Angie

http://www.mysocalledchaos.com